I Just Wanna Go Home to You

Hey there, my baby..

Mommy had been terribly busy the whole week, not being able to pick you up myself at the nursery, and coming home only at midnight and you're already asleep.. I'm sorry, baby... There had been a tragedy last Monday, and you don't understand it now, but I'll explain them in detail when you're old enough and read this..

In short, it was terrible, sayang.. I kept wanting to go home.. Just being in the middle of all the chaos, of all those involved - their faces wishing like they could just turn back time and save their loved ones... Some of them lost their babies, Micah... I kept thinking about you and all I remember feeling was, I wanna go home, TO YOU.. I never felt like hugging you and kissing you more than at that moment...

There were only sadness and tears throughout the entire week.. Even as I've finished work and went home to hold and hug you (with prior clean-ups and bathes of course, having been around dead bodies and hanging out at mortuary), just seeing you sound asleep made me think about the mothers who had lost their babies... What would I have done if it had been us?

And just thinking about it like that makes me cry.. I kept thinking, "What if I lose my baby/mother/sister/husband/brother/father?"

I pray that no mothers, including me, would ever have to lose their babies like that anymore... I pray that no one ever have to lose their loved ones like that anymore... And as angry as I am towards God for making anything like that possible, I know that He has good plans for everything...

And baby, Mommy love you... With all my heart.. Sorry for not having enough time for you lately, but please know that Mommy think of you every second of the day... I worry about you all the time, and I miss you as soon as i dropped you off at the nursery. And as busy as Mommy gets, as stressed and tired as I get, I want nothing else but to go home to you at the end of every day.. And yes, sayang, you can ask Mommy to read 'The Little Lamb' as many times as you want.. =')

I love you, Micah...
Your mother

Happy First Birthday, Son...

Dear Son...

=') *speechless for a moment, only tears and smiles*

Today, you turn one year old... I'm smiling because it should be a happy occasion.. Because I'm proud of you, of how far you've come, of how much you've achieved; all those baby steps growing steady by the day, all those babbling becoming clearer everyday... You're achieving milestones one after another, fast... And as a mother, I should be proud of that... =)

But I'm also crying, because in a way, it makes me sad that you're growing to be your own person every single day... Soon enough, you're not gonna need me like you do now... You'll go out and explore the world on your own.. The part that I fear the most is, every single day you grow up to be an adult, the less time I have left to hold you and shower you with hugs and kisses... Because you'll start hating them once you've turned 12 or even earlier just because it's uncool... Ha ha..

As much as it tires me to carry yo around and having you tugged on the ends of my pants everyday, I rejoice in the fact that you need me... It feels great to be your mother, Micah... In every single way, physically and emotionally, and even spiritually... You make me feel like life is worth living, but more importantly, you make me feel like I'm worth something, in fact, I feel like I'm worth everything to you... And that feels great... And I don't ever want that to go away... But fact is, it would fade, if not change or completely disappear, in the years to come...

Oh, look at me... Crying and whining about your leaving me to be an adult. You're only ONE YEAR OLD for goodness' sake. Ha ha..

This is only the first of your many birthdays to come, Micah.. And as the birthdays go by, they will become less and less important to you and probably everybody else... But not for Mommy... This day will always be important to me... Coz you see , it's not just your birthday... It's THE DAY that I first became a MOM... A Mother... The greatest title anyone could ever be given... It's the day that I became a brand new person, a much better person... It's the day that my whole perspective on life changed... It's the day that my life changed, to a tougher yet more wonderful journey onwards... It's the day that I HAD YOU... You make me want to live.. You make me want to do better.. You make me want to be better...

So let's both give a toast to this day... The day when God gave us to each other... Happy Birthday Micah... and Happy Motherhood to Mommy... Cheers...

Love,
Your mother...

*still sobbing* LOL...

I Just Want You Back

Dear son...

You got my heart skips a beat every time I think of you... It's been two months, TWO MONTHS, since Mommy last saw you... Leaving you there in KK with your grandma had been so difficult for me, and going through my days here without you was never easy...

Yes, I got to have a lot of time for myself and Daddy.. Daddy and Mommy can go out 'jalan-jalan' and spend time outside of the house anytime we wanted, for as long as we wanted. We go out at nights without having have to worry who's gonna take care of you. I have time for make-up and hair-do and even time to pick what I wanna wear because you're not around for me to bathe and prepare for every time we go out. I even have time for workouts, something that I had not been able to do for long after becoming a mom. I get to wake up gracefully in the morning without having have to rush. I have time to put lotion and moisturizers on my body and face after baths. I have time to just chill and watch movie or TV before going to bed. I get to stay in the office to finish work for as long as I want. I get to go on outstation assignments! And lots of other time in between all my daily activities for whatever I want. I can even wear high-heels! All of these things possible because you're not around for me to put first in my daily tasks.....

Did mommy enjoy it?

In the mornings when I wake up, as convenient as it is to wake up without having have to rush to prep a baby for the day, I thought of you first, and whispered 'Good morning, Micah' before i say anything else.. And it feels sad not waking up to find you already up and smiling next to me... As the day goes by and I complete my work and go home in the evening, it feels sad not to have you greet me at the doorstep clinging on to the gate waiting for me to pick you up after not seeing me for 8 hours.. It feels sad not having have to drop by the nursery to pick you up.. And as I bathe and dine with your father, it's sad not to have you bathe and dine with us, sad that your bath-basin lies there in the washroom, dry and unused.. As I visit shopping malls or shops, it's sad and awkward not carrying you or pushing you in your stroller.. It feels like empty hands do not work well for Mommy anymore, since I had you.. As I go to bed at night, in between those moments before dozing off, it's agonizing not to have you to cuddle with, and be exhausted for... And as much fun I had or satisfaction with my job and daily tasks everyday, it feels incomplete, and inadequate... Like there's something missing..

In short, Mommy is incomplete without you, Sonshine... And when someone is incomplete, they're not happy..

I just want to be tired again.. I wanna be exhausted again, from a hard day's work and from having have to accommodate time for you.. I just wanna be busy for you again.. I don't want any extra time for make up or hair-do or picking what I wanna wear if that means not having you around.. I'd be fine with just picking up anything within my grab to wear.. I wanna pick up things that you threw on the floor and i wanna complaint about having back-pain for having have to clean up the mess you made over and over again.. I wanna yell, "No, Micah, no!" so many times I get sick of it.. I wanna bathe and feed you till I don't have time for lotion and moisturizers.. I wanna walk you and bring you 'jalan-jalan' and have no room in my hands for plastic bags or other stuffs.. I don't want time for workouts if that means not having you around.. I wanna worry about who's taking care of you at night when I have to work or when Daddy and I are going out.. I wanna have you greet me after a long day at work... I wanna prep you for bed and complaint about being exhausted and have no time for TV or movies before dozing off... I know I'll be complaining about all these things, but I don't care... I JUST WANT YOU BACK.. I WANT TO BECOME YOUR MOM AGAIN... =')

So, baby, these past two months without you hadn't been fun... And I can't wait to hold you again and hug you and kiss you and have you become my son and be a huge part of my daily life..

Your grandma and aunt Sam will be tremendously sad letting you go. But I have to get you back.. Things just won't do without you...

I'll see you tomorrow... I hope you'll still remember me... =)

Love,
Your mother...

But I Will Love You

Dear Son,

My heart still skips a beat every single time I think about how you were created in my womb... how you were slowly but surely you developed from an embryo to a fetus week by week... Throughout the whole duration of conception to birth, I marveled at the thought of you gradually grow your cells, veins, heart, lungs, brain, hands, feet, the dimples on them, nails, teeth, hairs... Every visit to the doctor, I cried because no matter how many times I get to see you on that scanning machine screen, it still feels unbelievably magical, every time.

I knew having you would change my life forever... I knew that priorities will shift, times would be occupied, tension will rise, headaches will occur, my body will be rest and sleep deprived, worries will be a constant companion, and so will tears... They were all written in the books I read. But no one told me about constant marvel, pride, and everlasting and unconditional love... I've never loved anyone or anything, not even myself, as much as this... Sometimes I feel like the word 'love' itself is not enough to describe what I feel for you, Sonshine... Every time I think of how much I love you and how bad I want everything in the world to be right for you, it makes me cry, because truly, my heart can't contain them..

Times will change. You will grow up, old and wiser. We will argue, we will fight. You will hate me or not. I will be angry at you at times. Your attentions will shift. You will learn to love others. You will want others and not just me. Things will change. You will not need me. You will want other things. We will grow apart. We will not understand each other. You will leave me out. I will grow old and wither. You will love me differently.

But I will love you, forever and a day...

Love,
Your mother.

Running Out of Comfort Words

It's been 6 days and 3 hours since I last saw you.. Not if videos and photos of you count. But I just want so bad to hold you again... And I wish I can stop crying everytime I think of you, and how much I want you back... Your Daddy is running out of comfort-words. Ha ha.

Your grandmother told me that you no longer look for me, as in you don't wake up crying looking for me, but look for her instead. It's good because that means you can sleep well now, but God it scares me that you'll ever forget me. I know you won't. It's just that sometimes I selfishly wish that you would want ME all the time.

I wish I can tell you that I'm fine, like I promised. But I'm a mess. One moment I'm laughing with you daddy and our friends, and another I'm on our bed hugging your pillow, crying. Sometimes I think I'm going nuts.

But Mommy am fine, baby... Yes, I cry. Helplessly at times... But after every session of a good cry, I wipe my tears away and smile thinking about how happy you are in KK, and how great everyone there is taking care of you... In the end, Mommy am fine, sayang... But Mommy will feel so much better when we finally meet again. Which will be soon enough. In the meantime, know that I miss you like crazy, and that I love you, Micah Dangin Chua. I love you...

Love,

Your mother...

Without You

When your grandparents, Mama Tua and Papa Tua, and Mama Sam sent me to the airport on the day that I left for Bintulu without you for the first time, Mommy asked them to leave before I had to enter the departing hall. Because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the grief having have to watch you as I leave. So instead, I had you leave with them ahead. And indeed, tears started forming and my voice started shaking as I hugged you and told you I'll be back...

I took one last look and you were smiling, oblivious to the fact that your mother was facing one of the most difficult moments in her life. It's only temporary, a month. But it feels like letting you go forever...

As I made my way through the security, through the immigration, I tried very, very hard to choke back whatever expression that my body was going to show of my inner emotions. By the time the plane took off, as the light in the flight was dimmed, I let it out... without anyone noticing it..

But it was especially hard when I got to our room in Bintulu... after I washed up and prep myself for bed... And there were your pillows... I held them tight and as hard as I tried not to cry out loud, I fell apart, broke down like a child.. Your father came and hugged me.. And that night, I cried myself to sleep.

It's been like that almost daily. I cry in the morning, when you're not there to wake me and Daddy up. I cry at mealtimes, when you're not there to dine with me. I cry during baths, coz we always bathe together. I cry while driving to work, coz I simply think of you. But mostly, I cry at night, coz you're not there for me to hold, cherish, smell, caress, and just adore...

We go out, your Daddy and I, and we try to make the most out of our time, everyday. But somewhere in between and especially as day-end, if not every second, we think of you, and it's hard not to feel sad...

"It's only a month..." And I shall keep counting the days, sayang...

I love you, Micah.. Always and forever..

I'll Be Fine. I Promise.

Hey there, son...

The last time you and I went back to our home in KK, your grandmother brought up the idea of letting you stay with her for at most a month. I gave it a thought, giving that

I was starting work in Bintulu in a few days time, and your grandmother and Aunt Sam were too sad to let you go too soon. But I bailed out at the last minute. Your father actually had to delay booking our flight back to Bintulu because I was torn in between letting my mother have you for another month and having you stick with me. You came home with me eventually.

Since then, your grandmother had been bringing up requests to have us back there, non-stop. It's not that easy to just go back anymore because I've started work. It's been three months, and we're finally going back to KK again. I would have been super-psyched about it, if only it's a longer than three days trip... and if only you're coming back with me this time...

Mommy agree to let you stay this time, because I had to quit feeling guilty of not giving your

grandmother and aunt a chance to be with you a little more than a week... They longed for that since the day you were born. You had no idea how much they both cried when we left KK for good... That broke my heart... To see my mother cry like that, seeing her daughter move further away from her again, with her grandson.

Our trip back is tomorrow. But I'm already crying like the love of my life had just broke my heart. I cannot imagine being without you for that long... I know it's only a month, but I miss you so much even after five hours of leaving you at the nursery... Mommy just really, really, terribly miss you already...

You're 8 months old now. The Baby Book said in many of your recent developments, you're also

going through separation anxiety. To prove that, you cry out freaking loud whenever you see me walk away from you. The Book said you hate being away from your mother and that whenever I disappear, you could only cry to express your fear and hope for me to come back. And by now you probably already know that I always come back... But what happens when I leave you with grandma, and walk away, and not come back for what seem to be a very long time? How would that make you feel? *tears*

I worry less about leaving you with your grandmother. I'm sure you're in much better hands with her than when you're with me. Grandma will love you, cherish you, and shower you with care and good values... She's a great mother. Aunt Sam will be thrilled to have you around. She had always liked you and gets pretty pissed at me when I brought you back with me, because she really wanted you to stay there with her. Uncle Elon loves you just as much. He used to drive you around back in KK when you got upset. And he kissed and hugged you every morning when you woke up, and every time he came back from work. Grandpa? Let's just say I see the man that I wish is whenever he's with us, when he's with you... You're a diamond, Micah... *smiles*

Mommy's more worried about myself... What would I do without you, sayang? My daily life will totally alter. I wouldn't know what to do. I can go out, and try to relax more, have fun more, but at the end of the day, I know that all I want is to hold you in my arms, and smell you, and pinch your cheek and legs and hands softly, and watch you sleep..... *tears*

And who would be there for me and make me laugh again when I'm feeling down? Because you are my everything now, baby... Being without you is going to me feel... empty...

"It's ONLY a month, Amy.." is my mantra these past couple of days. Or, "He'll be fine." I keep repeating them whenever I find myself seeping into terror of letting you go. You'll be fine. In fact, you'll be in better hands.

And sayang, Mommy will be fine too... I'll be crying at night, but I'll be fine. =) I promise.

I love you. Always and forever.

Love,

Your mother.

Gift from Aunt Courtney

Hey Son,
Here's something from your Aunt Courtney. =)

p/s: Every single word Barry Manilow sung in this song says exactly what Mommy feels about you. Thank u Ah Hui (Aunt Courtney's Chinese name. Shh! Don't membocorkan it =D)
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=4223260&id=558796794#!/video/video.php?v=10150197599150643

Always Be My Baby

Hey there baby...

Mommy's working from home today. The computer at my office seriously needs fixing... You've at the nursery. I feel very tempted to go there and 'kacau' you but it's okay... In the latest update of your development, you're growing more and more fond of your mother and you throw fits if I as much as put you down. Yes Micah... You love me too much I can't even go and pee without you crying for being asked to stay put for two minutes. Ha ha..

Speaking of development, I've signed up with this website called Babycenter, since I knew I got pregnant with you and they send me updates about my baby, which is YOU, every week without fail. And I always, always got excited whenever I see in my mail inbox that I got an email from Babycenter that read, "My Pregnancy This Week" or "My Baby This Week - Your 2 Weeks Old," and so on... I anticipate these emails because I love reading about your development and it helps me a lot in dealing with it... I'd open my inbox and hope to get email from Babycenter... until recently...

I remember it was an email that said, "My Baby This Week - Your 7 Months Old" and I opened it, read it happily, until I realize how these development updates show me your growth every week... This sounds stupid but I didn't realize that in your development, it also means that you're growing up, and learning how to be independent every single day.. And someday, you'll be able to walk, run, without my help... You won't need me as much as you do now... And in some crazy, senseless way, that makes me cry...

This is crazy and stupid, coz Mommy complaints about having have to carry you around as your weight increases each week, making it easier for me to feel the pain in my back everytime I carry you. BUT, now that I realize you're going to grow out of my arms and be on your own without my assistance, it hurts me... Someday you'll be a big boy, be a MAN with life of your own, and to think that I'll no longer be able to hug or kiss like I could now, just hurts...

But it won't be right to wish that you'll always be dependent on Mommy... As much as it hurts to think that you'll 'leave' my arms soon, I take pride in the fact that in your attempts to stand up straight with my help, you'll someday walk and run freely without Mommy holding your hands... In your attempts to get my attention to pick you up and carry you in my arms, you'll someday everything without my help... You'll be your own person, and I'll take pride in that...

You'll always be my baby, tho... =)



Love,
Your mother...

Greatness in Simplicity

Dear Micah,

I was driving you to the nursery this morning, and singing to you our daily dose of "Angel Of God". I didn't set up your baby carseat today because you can somehow sit in the car now without moving too much. As I started to sing, you looked up and smiled, like you understand the song, like you understand what I meant for you by singing it to you, which is to wish you all the protection, guardiance and love God could give you... And I just started to cry...

It was just such a moment where you don't need reasons to cherish.. I still don't know why I cried... It was probably because I realize you're now big enough to understand a mother's prayers. Maybe not fully. But it's like you understand what a mother means when she sings to you... Or maybe you just like listening to your mother's singing... I don't know... But when you looked at Mommy like that and just smiled, Mommy never felt sadder, happier, liberated, accompanied, and so much more mixed together...

In all that simplicity, I've never felt greater... You truly make me feel like my life is worth living, Micah... You truly make me feel like I've achieved something bigger than life itself, which is love...

In case Mommy forgot to tell you today, I love you  Son... I'd do anything to protect you... You can bet on that... =')

Journalist Momma!

Hey there Lil Guy...

It;s been quite a while since the last letter, ey? Sorry sayang.. Mommy had been occupied trying to get a job. And that had been successful. Micah, make a way for your Journalist Momma! *Clap clap*

Honestly, I hate having have to go to work coz that means I have to leave you in the hands of caretakers, and in this case, the nursery. But at the same time, I could also die of unemployment. Besides, we could use the extra money, sayang. So as much as I hate leaving you and not seeing you 8 hours a day, being employed is important for all of us.

Although, I must say, I have my worries regarding your safety, well-being, and milestones... I mean, it would kill me if you said your first word or took your fist step in the arms of other people and worse when I won't be there to see it.  =( I want to be there for you all the time and for everything pertaining to you. But for now I can only cross my fingers that I would miraculously be there at each milestone you reach.

Journalism... Mommy was a journalist before, right after completing secondary education and before going to university. It was brief but I already knew back then that I love the job. Everything from its perks, it's day-to-day calling, the nature of it, the people I worked with. So, I'm glad I get to land another one (job) just like that.

But Mommy must tell you, it's not going to be easy, for both of us. There will come a time when Mommy will be too busy that it'll affect my attention towards you. There will be times when you'll be too cranky and Mommy will be too tired an we'll both be at the ends of our hairs. So sayang, for times like these, Mommy want to apologize in advance. Sorry Sonshine, for times when Mommy might lose it and let it out on you. I need you to know that it's not intentional and that it's not you, k? It's just Mommy going loco. =D

So, may Mommy enjoy Mommy's work more than get stressed about it, and may you enjoy your times at the nursery with your new-found friends, and fun lessons. Oh, by the way, your new skill that you learned at the nursery, giving Hi-5 is awesome! 

And another thing, just because you've started going to the nursery and spend more waking time there with your teachers than with Mommy, it doesn't mean that Mommy love you less, okies?

Love you always, regardless,
Your mother.

Sick

Baby,

Mommy is very, very tired... You had been down with fever and vomiting for a week now. That's why Mommy and Daddy hadn't been getting enough sleep because all three of us keep waking up the minute you wriggled in our arms... 

No Sayang, it's not your fault... You must be in pain; all the heat in your body, forcing you throw up every 15 minutes... Not to mention, the mucus and phlegm collating in your lungs and your nose.. *sob sob* I hate it when I con't know what to do to make you feel better.. There was a point where I was carrying you in my arms while you cry softly in pain, and all my rocking and singing just didn't help, I got so frustrated with myself I put you on the bed and I cried out, "What do I do?"

It's frustrating... As a parent, I just want you to be comfortable and happy all the time... But I guess, it's times like these that make me stronger, coz it forces me to be patient, a skill that I've been praying for but never got... Still don't have it, but for your sake, I must learn. 

You're getting better by now... No more heat, and no more vomiting, at least for today. Mommy pray for a better tomorrow =).

Sleep now, Sayang... 

Love, 

Your Mother...

Your First Injury

Micah Sayang...

Today you fell... It's not a first; you've fell off the bed, walker, for the umpteenth time now. But today, this one caused you injury; a small cut on your upper lip... And Mommy feel so damn bad... ='(

My heart skipped a beat when you first fell of the bed. You were four months old. It was late at night, we (you, me, your Daddy) were all sleeping on the bed when suddenly I woke up to find you were no longer on the bed with us. I got up to look for you. It felt surreal, being groggy from my sleep and all. I could hear your voice but couldn't find you as it was semi-dark. Then finally there you were, on your tummy, head looking up, probably asking for help. But you weren't crying, just making a  sound somehow. I ran and picked you up ad checked to see if you you broke a bone or got a bruise anywhere. After a thorough check-up, you seemed fine and we went back to sleep.

After that, it was an endless series of falling off things; bed, walker, chair. Daddy and Mommy gradually learned not to panic and over-worry ourselves. We worry nevertheless, but at least it didn't drive us to bring you to see a doctor EVERY time you fell.

But today... Mommy was preparing your lunch porridge... I already knew that you've recently learned how to stand up from the baby-chair. And for that, I shouldn't have left you unattended even for a second... ='(  The next thing I knew we were both crying... There was blood on Mommy's shirt. And when I checked to see where did it all come from, I found more on your mouth... Thank God it was just a minor cut on your upper lip... I'm utterly sorry, Sunshine...

Your Ake' (grandma) and Kung Kung (grandpa) and Uncle Naza tried to console both you and Mommy. I must have turned blue or something, coz hey tried so much to calm me down... I just feel really, really bad... This, plus the one this morning when you fell head first just because I refused to get up the bed earlier... ='(

I have a feeling it doesn't end here... That there will be more fall-offs, injuries; big and small, cuts, worries... I can't help but cry, when I think about this... This is just one small cut. But what do I do when you know how to walk and learn how to explore the world on your own? When you think you can handle it and insist on doing things on your own; climb, crawl, run, plunge, DRIVE??? ='(

I only know too well that there's nothing I can do to stop things from happening... My own mother tried her best to keep me and my siblings safe (whatever that means)... But we broke our ankles and arms anyway, we got into accidents, we cut our heads and knees anyway... I can only imagine the horror when you experience these injuries yourself... But I don;t want to think about that just yet... Not now...

As for now, I can only hold you tight, and sing you lullabies... "Hush my love now don't cry... Everything will be alright..."

*singing continues...*

The End of Life As I Knew It

Hey Micah...

There's something that Mommy had forgotten to mention to you; I was a singer of a club when I got pregnant with you. Yup, I sang nightly up until four months after you were conceived. Imagine that; all 65 kilos of me and you, dancing on stage while singing Lady Gaga's Just Dance. Ha ha.

So... The story was, Mommy's friend's boyfriend's band (I will explain it to you if you can't wrap your head around this relation) desperately needed a new female singer, as their old one had already left. This happened right around the end of October, when I was almost done with my Bachelor Degree in UiTM Shah Alam. My mother, your grandma, and your uncle Valentine, didn't think it was a good idea for me to just pack my bags and go to some small town that I've never been to before, where I knew no one, to sing. Your grandma thought I should just go back to KK, coz it had been half a year since I last saw her. But of course, I went anyway.  I just thought that, singing is something that I've always liked doing, and there had been times when I imagined myself singing for people in public, in a club (which is something I believe every person had once or twice thought of doing themselves). So, when the opportunity came, I said, "Let's do it." despite the fact that my mother kept reminding me of how much she and your grandpa had paid for my education, hoping that I'd find a job more 'suitable', being talented in other areas than singing, and educated.

I love my mother with all my heart, and I've always known that she only has the best interest for me. As much as she hates seeing me going ahead to make my own decisions, right or wrong, good or bad, she just supports me. And that was also what she did when I told her about going ahead to Bintulu. I just wanted to give singing a shot. And she understands that, even when she doesn't agree with it.

So by November 5th, 2008, I was already giving my first performance. I had fun... and despite the fact that I promised your grandma to end that temporary career by January and go home to KK, I called to say I was staying until June... That hurt her... But she continued to be the mother she had always been; supportive and loving. By end of November, I met your dad. *smiles* Yes, Mommy will tell you in detail how that happened, in a different post.

I got pregnant with you, about two months into the job. My band members cum housemates at that time only got to know about a month after that. They tried to treat me as nice as they could treat a pregnant lady who has to sing nightly. I wanted so bad to quit the job as soon as I found out I was pregnant. Being pregnant and singing in a club, with all the cigarette smoke, extra loud music, staying up all night till 3am singing and dancing, But my band couldn't do without a female singer, and they couldn't find anyone to replace me. So I had to stay until they manage to find one.

It was really, really hard, Sunshine. I was crying most of the time, and I remember I kept saying to you in my growing belly, "Hang on tight, Sunshine... Mommy promise I'll get us out of here as soon as possible..." crying. Based on the pregnancy bible I've been reading, I thought it must had been the hormones that were causing me to cry almost every night. But truly, I was just really disappointed at myself for not being able to provide you with a good 'home' when that was the least I could do.

I've never felt so alone... Yes, your Daddy was around, and I tried to text my best friends once in a while. My mother hadn't known about it, and I just didn't know how to tell her just yet. Your Daddy tried his best to give us what we need and keep me happy. But I guess the experience was too alien to me, so new, so scary... Don't get me wrong, sayang... You were a blessing. But I just kept thinking, would I be enough for you? I know myself all too well to even think about motherhood.

But the miracle was that, everytime I cry out of fear, worry, inadequacy, uncertainty, YOU would somehow assure me, that everything's gonna be alright... Every time... I would be crying in my room or in the washroom, with my hands on my belly, apologizing to you for being so weak, when I was supposed to be the strong one. But somehow, YOU would give me that strength and assurance that I was desperately seeking. I don't know how to explain this any other way, but YOU did, Micah...

And so, since then, I know that no matter how unfit I feel, how scared, how inadequate, how weak, I would feel, I have my son to be brave for, to be strong for, to be enough for... *=')*

Initially, going to Bintulu upon my graduation was just to give singing a shot... I didn't know that what I found there was more than a singing opportunity... For going there had ended my life as I knew it, and the beginning of a much bigger and better one... And for that, thank YOU, my son... =)

Just in case you will someday wonder; You will always be enough for me...

Love,
Your Mother.

The Anticipation

NOTE: This one was written by hand when I was about 36 weeks pregnant with you... =)

September 17th, 2009

Dear Sunshine,

I hope you don't mind I call you by that name. I didn't know what you were going to be, a boy or a girl, but I wanted so bad to call you by name, instead of just, 'My Baby'. And I thought 'Sunshine' sounds so cute. Apart from the song You Are My Sunshine, there's also this character Ron 'Sunshine' Bass from my favorite movie, Remember The Titans, that I love so much. Then, 7 months later, our practitioner Dr. Lawrence told us you're a boy. Ha ha. I thought, "What the heck. Let's just go on with that petname."

Your father and I didn't plan you, my dear... We had only been together for a short while, but YOU happened... It was a surprise. The news caught us off guard. One day we were just a happy, young, carefree couple and the next day, we were having a family to live for.

Although unplanned, it was never a mistake... We welcomed you with open hearts. Surprised, yes. But happy nevertheless... =) I still remember the face your father had when we found ourselves looking at a positive home pregnancy test. Oh dear, we were smiling, out of disbelief... I had to be honest, it didn't sink in until after the 3rd test and we've went to the doctor to have it confirmed.

It was not until I saw you on the scan equipment screen monitor that I felt like crying... and I did. You were just the size of a bean then; a tiny, 2 weeks old foetus... And I teared up... I wasn's sure about what your father feel but I saw him smiling speechlessly... =) I kept asking myself, "Can you believe it? There's a life forming inside of me. There's a human being inside me!" It was just wonderful... Although scary, not knowing how to be a mother and how our lives would change now that you're coming, but it was wonderful... Almost magical...

I quit my 10 years of smoking in a snap. And although I work in an environment where drinking is a trend, I quit that too. I've never been healthier, never lived a live of good health or even try, but because of you, I tried to, so as to make your 'home' good enough for you. And it was tough because I was away from my own mother and I had no idea how to be pregnant. But I tried anyway. Stuffed myself with bananas and milk and veggies every single day... But in so many ways, thank YOU sunshine... You bring out the best in me... =)

Your father and I talked about you all the time; what should we name you, where should you go to school, how you would look like...

Oh Sunshine... How I can't wait to meet you... This wait is torturing! I'm due on September 22nd, few weeks away, but I'm running out of patience. I want so bad to hold you, and cradle youamd just look at you... It's only days away but it feels so damn long (I'm not supposed to use words like 'damn' by now, am I?). Compared to the past 7 months, this is agonizingly slow...

But I know I shouldn't foce you to come out and meet the world, not when you're not ready.. So, son, come out when you are, okay? But just so you know, we're psyched to meet you!

Until then, know that we love you... I love you... I have a slight feeling that I might miss you once you come out of mme belly. I mean, we've been together, literally, for the past 8 months. Now, I'm about to 'share' you with the rest of the world.. Thinking about it seems scary.

But, my baby, the world is a wonderful place... Weird and scary sometimes, but you have your Mommy and Daddy to look out for you. You'll always be our baby... You'll hate hearing that when you're 16. But trust me, you'll want to hear it again when you start your own family. I know I did. =)

p/s: You are not an accident. God created you for a purpose. You can bet on that. =)

Can't wait to meet you!
Your mother

Scared

NOTE: Mommy wrote this short letter to you in the first couple of weeks I found out I was pregnant with you. =)

February 10th, 2009.

Dear Sunshine...
I'm scared... When your daddy and I first found out, couple of weeks ago, we smiled and tried to live with the fact that we're having a baby... But it never really sunked in, Sunshine... And now it feels so real as I say it out loud, "I'm pregnant..."

I feel so bad for feeling confused and scared, but I am, my child... I'm scared... *cry*

Love nevertheless,
Your mother...

Hello Son...

Hey there lil guy. Mommy had been meaning to do this (set up this blog) for a very looong time now. I was just waiting to have a stable Internet connection. Well now we finally do, thanks to your Daddy. 

By now, you are a healthy 5-month-old baby. I would really love to go on and on about your most recent development. But I think it's better if I start with posts of letters from earlier on; starting from when you were still in Mommy's belly. Yes, I did write some and I want to share it with you as well as others who might be reading this. 

So, be patient. We'll get there, and even further. =)

I thought about writing to you way ahead of your literacy period, because I went through stuffs that even I didn't and still don't understand, which explains moments that I lose it and may had taken it out on you. I thought about this because I want you to know how much your feelings and opinion matter (or will matter) to me. I thought about this because, well, I love you more than I could ever promise... May someday you would read these posts and understand your mother even better.

Love,

Your mother...