The End of Life As I Knew It

Hey Micah...

There's something that Mommy had forgotten to mention to you; I was a singer of a club when I got pregnant with you. Yup, I sang nightly up until four months after you were conceived. Imagine that; all 65 kilos of me and you, dancing on stage while singing Lady Gaga's Just Dance. Ha ha.

So... The story was, Mommy's friend's boyfriend's band (I will explain it to you if you can't wrap your head around this relation) desperately needed a new female singer, as their old one had already left. This happened right around the end of October, when I was almost done with my Bachelor Degree in UiTM Shah Alam. My mother, your grandma, and your uncle Valentine, didn't think it was a good idea for me to just pack my bags and go to some small town that I've never been to before, where I knew no one, to sing. Your grandma thought I should just go back to KK, coz it had been half a year since I last saw her. But of course, I went anyway.  I just thought that, singing is something that I've always liked doing, and there had been times when I imagined myself singing for people in public, in a club (which is something I believe every person had once or twice thought of doing themselves). So, when the opportunity came, I said, "Let's do it." despite the fact that my mother kept reminding me of how much she and your grandpa had paid for my education, hoping that I'd find a job more 'suitable', being talented in other areas than singing, and educated.

I love my mother with all my heart, and I've always known that she only has the best interest for me. As much as she hates seeing me going ahead to make my own decisions, right or wrong, good or bad, she just supports me. And that was also what she did when I told her about going ahead to Bintulu. I just wanted to give singing a shot. And she understands that, even when she doesn't agree with it.

So by November 5th, 2008, I was already giving my first performance. I had fun... and despite the fact that I promised your grandma to end that temporary career by January and go home to KK, I called to say I was staying until June... That hurt her... But she continued to be the mother she had always been; supportive and loving. By end of November, I met your dad. *smiles* Yes, Mommy will tell you in detail how that happened, in a different post.

I got pregnant with you, about two months into the job. My band members cum housemates at that time only got to know about a month after that. They tried to treat me as nice as they could treat a pregnant lady who has to sing nightly. I wanted so bad to quit the job as soon as I found out I was pregnant. Being pregnant and singing in a club, with all the cigarette smoke, extra loud music, staying up all night till 3am singing and dancing, But my band couldn't do without a female singer, and they couldn't find anyone to replace me. So I had to stay until they manage to find one.

It was really, really hard, Sunshine. I was crying most of the time, and I remember I kept saying to you in my growing belly, "Hang on tight, Sunshine... Mommy promise I'll get us out of here as soon as possible..." crying. Based on the pregnancy bible I've been reading, I thought it must had been the hormones that were causing me to cry almost every night. But truly, I was just really disappointed at myself for not being able to provide you with a good 'home' when that was the least I could do.

I've never felt so alone... Yes, your Daddy was around, and I tried to text my best friends once in a while. My mother hadn't known about it, and I just didn't know how to tell her just yet. Your Daddy tried his best to give us what we need and keep me happy. But I guess the experience was too alien to me, so new, so scary... Don't get me wrong, sayang... You were a blessing. But I just kept thinking, would I be enough for you? I know myself all too well to even think about motherhood.

But the miracle was that, everytime I cry out of fear, worry, inadequacy, uncertainty, YOU would somehow assure me, that everything's gonna be alright... Every time... I would be crying in my room or in the washroom, with my hands on my belly, apologizing to you for being so weak, when I was supposed to be the strong one. But somehow, YOU would give me that strength and assurance that I was desperately seeking. I don't know how to explain this any other way, but YOU did, Micah...

And so, since then, I know that no matter how unfit I feel, how scared, how inadequate, how weak, I would feel, I have my son to be brave for, to be strong for, to be enough for... *=')*

Initially, going to Bintulu upon my graduation was just to give singing a shot... I didn't know that what I found there was more than a singing opportunity... For going there had ended my life as I knew it, and the beginning of a much bigger and better one... And for that, thank YOU, my son... =)

Just in case you will someday wonder; You will always be enough for me...

Love,
Your Mother.