You Vs Me

A 'conversation' we had yesterday evening, and on a few other occasions,

Me: Micah, stop playing with your food and eat properly.
You: No way!

On another occasion,

Me: Boy, put the scissors down or you're gonna hurt somebody.
You: No way!

Ha ha ha... That adamant response like you're so sure about what you want and how you want it. And you're only 2 years old.

I laugh most of the time because it's so cute. But when I turn away and start thinking further, to when you're 15, 20, 25 and imagine when you're going to say 'No' - literally or otherwise - to a lot of things, I sighed in fear.

My mom, your Mama Tua, had been a great mother, and still is. I bet she has only the best intentions for her children, like any mother does, but sometimes execute these intentions not to everybody's likings, mainly mine. Up to this day, she still makes me agree to do what she thinks is best for me. And since I had you, I vowed to let you be an adult when you're an adult... Though I've yet to know how easy or difficult if not impossible that would be, until the time finally comes...

I'm scared because I've been 15 before. I wasn't the best teenager to raise and looking back, I know I gave my mom a hard, horrible time during those years. There's something about being a teenager that makes you think that you're invincible, but you're not. It's a 'neither here nor there' situation where you will think you know what you want, but you don't. And the worst part is, you don't listen to anyone, especially your parents, weirdly so because they brought you into this world, raised you, were with you since you took your first step and fed you, yet you think they make the most wrong decisions for you. And now that I'm writing that down, it sucks to admit what an idiot I was. =)

I want to tell you that parents are always right. But I'd be lying because they aren't always are. And I'm putting my authority on the line here because you'd probably decide to cut yourself off myself and your Papa the moment you're reading this. But the truth is, Micah, as much as parents think they know what's best for you, we don't. At least not always. There are moments when they're sure, but there will also be moments when they make decisions for you out of fear you will fail, more than out of being convinced those decisions are right.

It will never be easy... For both of us. I can only hope that your Papa and I will raise you right for you to know what to do, and for us to know when to tell you what to do and when to let you go ahead with your own mind...

I guess, we can only love you enough to trust you with your guts, and pick you up whenever you screw up...

Love,
Your mother =)

Together More

Hey there, buddy...

Mommy's at work and having a hard time concentrating because there are just a lot of things to do. Plus, I miss you terribly. It was probably a bad idea to look at videos of your baby-self at work as an idea to release some stress. Ha ha...

You're at the nursery. And honestly I constantly worry about sending you there. It's the idea of you being taken care of by people I don't know. Well it's only been four months now. But it's different from the school daycare I sent you to in Bintulu since you were 6 months old. They communicated with me and I can tell how much you loved it there with your friends and teachers. Compared to this one. We might be looking for a new and better school for you to go to. Somewhere where you will be happy. I'm least concerned about your 'smart' achievements because I know you're smart =). Hence, I don't look for schools that will ensure you score straight As in your future education. I just want a place where you will be happy.

That's probably because in my 26 years of life, I've learned that what matters most in life is for you to be happy; to feel utterly safe, loved, cared for, and just feel pure utter joy... If you don't have this, then nothing else will make you feel enough. And I want you to feel adequate, like you have everything you need.

And that makes me cry sometimes because I know you need me around. I know you need your Papa around. And I've probably said this a million times, but it sucks to only be able to spend four hours or less of your daily life with you. And it has to suck more for your Papa because he only gets to see you at once a month at the very least. He tells me everyday that he misses you. And he may not show or tell that he cries but sometimes I can tell through his words... Everyday, our prayer is for God to help make it easy for us to be together and live as a family; you, Mommy and Papa... And soon, you lil' baby adik... Yes, baby... You're gonna be a big brother! I've told you and you've even started to rub Mommy's tummy and say, "Hi baby!" and kiss it. But i have to put it in here to make it official. Hehe...

That being said, it calls for us to be together as a family even more... And, honey, don't you worry. I'll be loving you like I always have since the first I knew I was gonna have you.. And we'll be loving our new buddy just the same. You won't understand it now, why you have to 'share' me and Papa with your new sibling. But by time you will. And Mommy hope that Papa and I will be doing the best we can to raise you and love you right, so that you'll love your brother or sister just the same.

In the meantime, know that I want nothing but to spend more time with you, and want only the best for you. That's why I'm working hard to earn enough for all of us. Which reminds me of that work I have to get done prior to writing this. Ha ha.

Undertsand that, okay buddy?

I love you. As always.

Your mother.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Buddy!

Two years ago, today, I officially became a mother when you were 'detached' from my womb after nine months you were created. There's a sense of pride, honor, joy, and just pure soft emotions that surround me whenever I think about that, and how you've grown to be so big now. Look at you... All the hair, the teeth, the smile.. Look at how tall you are now... It's getting harder to carry you around; your legs are so long now!

And not forgetting how smart you're becoming every single day... Mommy can actually understand what you're saying now. Ha ha.. You're even able to form three-word sentences like, "Say sorry to Mommy." Oh wait, that's four! You recognize everyone and could guess everyone's clothes.

You can even sing to We Will Rock You and That's What You Get. And hold a guitar as if you know how to play it while tapping your feet to The Lazy Song. You look so grown up when you do that... And I'm so proud of you...

As much as Mommy want to hold you always and forever, growing up and letting go is inevitable... You'll be a teenager someday and all the hugs, kisses would probably stop. But I hope you will always, ALWAYS know that your mother loves you with all her heart and soul. There will be times when that is hard to believe; I'd be restricting your going-outs or tell you which friends you should or should not see. I would probably tell you a lot of no's and don'ts. And you would probably hate me for a lot of things. Mommy, now 26, still hates your grandma for some things. Ha ha... But please always go back to where things were and remember that above all, I have your best interest at heart and want everything in the world to be right for you. Though I know that's impossible, I'd die trying.

There are a lot of things I wanna tell you, buddy; things that I'm worried I'd not have the chance to tell you about life. But Mommy's at work and I think my boss can see me tearing up in front of the computer. But I'll find time for that.

Till then, hugs, kisses, and all the love in the world from your mother. And hey, your Papa is coming home today! Isn't that great? We'll post pictures of your birthday soon after, aight?

Love,
Your mother

Home for the Weekend!

Hey baby,

By this time, August 2011, we've moved back to KK for good, since June. Papa had to stay back because his job transfer takes time. But he will be joining us soon, ok?

But oh you miss him so much... You ask me to open photos of Papa every day. And every morning you wake up all you want to watch is videos of Papa... And in the evening when Mommy gets home from work, you ask me to call him... "Co' (call) Papa, Mommy.." You would say...

And darling Papa misses you too... If only you can understand the depths of his love and yearn to hold you again.. He complaints to me about missing you everyday, Micah. And I know it must hurt him not being able to see you as often, because it kills me not to see you in a day...

I can only hope that you understand why Mommy had to make the decision to move back here without waiting for Papa...

But hey, we're taking the plane to see Papa tomorrow! Isn't that exciting? I miss your Papa so much, and I know you do too. And i just can't wait for night to come so that we'll go to sleep and wake up the next morning to fly off home to Bintulu. Even though it's only going to be a four-day trip, I'm still super-excited about going home! To meet our family; your Kung Kung, Akek, aunties and lil cousins, to meet our friends there, eat the FOOOOOD there... ah, bliss...

Ok, Mommy's getting a lil carried away here. But hey, we're flying home, buddy! Let's pack!

Love,
Your Mommy

If...

If I Had My Child to Raise Over Again

by Diane Loomans

If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd build self esteem first, and the house later.
I'd fingerpaint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I would care to know less and know to care more.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and less tugging.
I'd see the oak tree in the acorn more often.
I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.
I'd model less about the love of power,
And more about the power of love.

Dear son,

Mommy found this poem some time ago and it made me rethink about a lot of my decisions and actions especially in my daily struggle to balance between work and you and everything else..

If only I have a choice, I'd sing Just the Way you are with you a thousand times. I'd watch Toy Story with you over and over again. I'd draw random lines and nothings with you all afternoon. I'd walk with you as you pick up your choice of stones and little rocks. I'd do anything and everything with you, Micah... I just miss hanging out with you the whole day...

But beds need to be made, dishes need to be washed, mess needs to be cleaned, dirty laundry needs to be done, jobs have to be attended to, works have to completed.

But Mommy's doing her best, okay buddy? And just so you know, it's my favorite thing to do, something I look forward to doing after a hard or dull day's work... All I want is to get in the car pick you up at the daycare where you're waiting patiently at the doorstep, and jumping up and down excitedly at the sight of your mother... There's nothing I love more than being your mother, buddy. Just looking at you gives me joy and purpose. Apa lagi if I get to have more time with you, just layan your silly and singing. Hihi!

Love,

Your mother...

Sorry...

Hey there, my precious..

It's been so long, huh? I think about writing a letter to you every single day, sayang.. But I just couldn't find the time coz there's always something to do; work, and whenever I'm free, it's always having my world wrapped around you...

But I always feel like i don't spend enough time with you.. And oh Micah if only i have an option, I'd spend 24/7 with you... If only we're not in such a bad financial shape, I'd do that.. But please know that Mommy and Papa never thought least or even second of you.. You're always our number ONE TREASURE.. and that's why we spend our time and struggle to work because we want to give you a good life... There's no other way we can do it but work, baby.. We don't want things to be hard for you.. We want to have enough money for you to grow up well and healthy.. Kalau buli sampai ko kawin, ada anak, buy you a house Mommy sama Papa mo supply ko.. But we do what we can..

And I only hope that every morning when you find it hard to let me go off to work, but kiss me goodbye and say "I love you" anyway, you understand that it's not my favorite thing to do, that I'd rather not say goodbye ever, that I do it all for you... =')

And baby, please also know that I try to make up for lost time by spending and mostly appreciating every single moment i have after work with you; singing, playing, just being silly... I hope you're old enough to acknowledge those little moments, because i do, and it means the world to me.. How I love you holding me by my cheeks and kiss my forehead, or you just saying "See, Mommy, see" and (try) to do a breakdancing or whatever it is... hahaha.. My boy...

I love you, Micah... And I hope you'll never forget that..

Love,
Your mom..

"heLLLou"

Boy!

No, that wasn't the "Oh boy!" expression. It's what I've been calling lately, and you responded well. =) The exclamation mark was because I wanted to start this post with a high-spirited attitude because it's been too long since I posted any letter for you, Micah. =( Sorry.. Mommy was just too occupied with everything else (a huuuge part of that being YOU).

You're 2o months old now, or a year and 6 months, with a head-full of hair (and when I say full, it really means A LOT OF HAIRRR, all THICK and BLACK - I envy), and a whole set of teeth. Most people couldn't believe you're barely 2 years old. It's probably the hair and the teeth, and you're ability to say a sarcastic 'hello' oh so perfectly.

Speaking of which, there was one time when I took you to the clinic for your monthly check-up, and a lady took your seat when you were off playing somewhere around, you came back and said, "Hellllo,", rolling the double 'L' so perfectly in a low tone, with a frown on your face, thinning your lips like an annoyed adult. I almost laughed, but managed to hold the laugh back, pretended to be a civilized parent who should stop her kid from being rude, and said a half-angry, half-amused, "Micah don't do that," before the lady stood up voluntarily and left the seat. She didn't look impressed.

Your favorite song used to be Nothin' On You by B.o.B featuring Bruno Mars. It didn't take too long for your Papa and Mommy to realize that it's Bruno Mars that you're after, since realizing you pay full attention to other songs like Millionaire by Travie McCoy featuring BRUNO MARS, and ultimately, the current king of music (to me that is)'s own singles like Just the Way You Are, Grenade, and now, The Lazy Song.

Other than that, you talk like I almost understand you. "Come," you said whenever you ask me to take something for you or want me to lift you up higher so that you can have a good look of the view of the outside from our balcony. The normal "Nenen," "Momom," "Mnum", when you're hungry or thirsty. "O o" when you just pooped, although you haven't fully grasp that one because you say "O o" even when it's just fart, or pee. You're now able to successfully identify not only your grandpa, whom you call "Kung Kung" (he is by far your most favorite person apart from Papa and Mommy), your grandma "Akek", your cousins Icha, Hanna, Eunice, and Baby Adam - tho you call all of them "Hanna" probably because it's the easiest to pronounce - but your favorite cousin I must say is Hanna, coz she's the first person you hug when you see, call over when you wanna share your food, and would claim justice for by biting whoever hits Hanna. You call your big cousin, Aaron "Alay", and all your aunties, "Ateee". You call our dog (which you pronounce as "Cok"), Lucky, "Kachee".. And your teachers, "Chee-cher." And not only do you know us by name, you know which shirt is whose..

From the good school I sent you to, plus constantly repeated Phonics Song videos played on Papa's and Mommy's laptops, you now know - and recognize - 'A' is for Apple, and 'S' is for Sun. You may not know the whole alphabet set yet, but you're definitely getting there. Oh, and your '1,2,3' is also not bad!

The team of My Little House Childcare Center led by Teacher Siti Fatihah also taught you about time-outs, which I've tried on you at home and works. =) I know you don't like time-outs but it is the best way to show you that hitting, pushing, biting, scratching, or just being mean to other kids, is not okay. Of course, you say sorry afterwards and then do it again. But it's a big achievement that you know you're not supposed to to or say anything when you're sent for time-outs. =) Adorable.

You're a great kid, Micah, and I always tell you that. For a 1-year-old toddler, you're achieving so much and I'm so proud of you. I don't know what kind of person you will grow up to be, but I can only hope that I'll be able to raise you well.

In the meantime, please put your crayons back at their case when you're done coloring, okay?

Love always, ALWAYS,
Your Mommy