Without You

When your grandparents, Mama Tua and Papa Tua, and Mama Sam sent me to the airport on the day that I left for Bintulu without you for the first time, Mommy asked them to leave before I had to enter the departing hall. Because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the grief having have to watch you as I leave. So instead, I had you leave with them ahead. And indeed, tears started forming and my voice started shaking as I hugged you and told you I'll be back...

I took one last look and you were smiling, oblivious to the fact that your mother was facing one of the most difficult moments in her life. It's only temporary, a month. But it feels like letting you go forever...

As I made my way through the security, through the immigration, I tried very, very hard to choke back whatever expression that my body was going to show of my inner emotions. By the time the plane took off, as the light in the flight was dimmed, I let it out... without anyone noticing it..

But it was especially hard when I got to our room in Bintulu... after I washed up and prep myself for bed... And there were your pillows... I held them tight and as hard as I tried not to cry out loud, I fell apart, broke down like a child.. Your father came and hugged me.. And that night, I cried myself to sleep.

It's been like that almost daily. I cry in the morning, when you're not there to wake me and Daddy up. I cry at mealtimes, when you're not there to dine with me. I cry during baths, coz we always bathe together. I cry while driving to work, coz I simply think of you. But mostly, I cry at night, coz you're not there for me to hold, cherish, smell, caress, and just adore...

We go out, your Daddy and I, and we try to make the most out of our time, everyday. But somewhere in between and especially as day-end, if not every second, we think of you, and it's hard not to feel sad...

"It's only a month..." And I shall keep counting the days, sayang...

I love you, Micah.. Always and forever..