Micah Sayang...
Today you fell... It's not a first; you've fell off the bed, walker, for the umpteenth time now. But today, this one caused you injury; a small cut on your upper lip... And Mommy feel so damn bad... ='(
My heart skipped a beat when you first fell of the bed. You were four months old. It was late at night, we (you, me, your Daddy) were all sleeping on the bed when suddenly I woke up to find you were no longer on the bed with us. I got up to look for you. It felt surreal, being groggy from my sleep and all. I could hear your voice but couldn't find you as it was semi-dark. Then finally there you were, on your tummy, head looking up, probably asking for help. But you weren't crying, just making a sound somehow. I ran and picked you up ad checked to see if you you broke a bone or got a bruise anywhere. After a thorough check-up, you seemed fine and we went back to sleep.
After that, it was an endless series of falling off things; bed, walker, chair. Daddy and Mommy gradually learned not to panic and over-worry ourselves. We worry nevertheless, but at least it didn't drive us to bring you to see a doctor EVERY time you fell.
But today... Mommy was preparing your lunch porridge... I already knew that you've recently learned how to stand up from the baby-chair. And for that, I shouldn't have left you unattended even for a second... ='( The next thing I knew we were both crying... There was blood on Mommy's shirt. And when I checked to see where did it all come from, I found more on your mouth... Thank God it was just a minor cut on your upper lip... I'm utterly sorry, Sunshine...
Your Ake' (grandma) and Kung Kung (grandpa) and Uncle Naza tried to console both you and Mommy. I must have turned blue or something, coz hey tried so much to calm me down... I just feel really, really bad... This, plus the one this morning when you fell head first just because I refused to get up the bed earlier... ='(
I have a feeling it doesn't end here... That there will be more fall-offs, injuries; big and small, cuts, worries... I can't help but cry, when I think about this... This is just one small cut. But what do I do when you know how to walk and learn how to explore the world on your own? When you think you can handle it and insist on doing things on your own; climb, crawl, run, plunge, DRIVE??? ='(
I only know too well that there's nothing I can do to stop things from happening... My own mother tried her best to keep me and my siblings safe (whatever that means)... But we broke our ankles and arms anyway, we got into accidents, we cut our heads and knees anyway... I can only imagine the horror when you experience these injuries yourself... But I don;t want to think about that just yet... Not now...
As for now, I can only hold you tight, and sing you lullabies... "Hush my love now don't cry... Everything will be alright..."
*singing continues...*
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
The End of Life As I Knew It
Hey Micah...
There's something that Mommy had forgotten to mention to you; I was a singer of a club when I got pregnant with you. Yup, I sang nightly up until four months after you were conceived. Imagine that; all 65 kilos of me and you, dancing on stage while singing Lady Gaga's Just Dance. Ha ha.
So... The story was, Mommy's friend's boyfriend's band (I will explain it to you if you can't wrap your head around this relation) desperately needed a new female singer, as their old one had already left. This happened right around the end of October, when I was almost done with my Bachelor Degree in UiTM Shah Alam. My mother, your grandma, and your uncle Valentine, didn't think it was a good idea for me to just pack my bags and go to some small town that I've never been to before, where I knew no one, to sing. Your grandma thought I should just go back to KK, coz it had been half a year since I last saw her. But of course, I went anyway. I just thought that, singing is something that I've always liked doing, and there had been times when I imagined myself singing for people in public, in a club (which is something I believe every person had once or twice thought of doing themselves). So, when the opportunity came, I said, "Let's do it." despite the fact that my mother kept reminding me of how much she and your grandpa had paid for my education, hoping that I'd find a job more 'suitable', being talented in other areas than singing, and educated.
I love my mother with all my heart, and I've always known that she only has the best interest for me. As much as she hates seeing me going ahead to make my own decisions, right or wrong, good or bad, she just supports me. And that was also what she did when I told her about going ahead to Bintulu. I just wanted to give singing a shot. And she understands that, even when she doesn't agree with it.
So by November 5th, 2008, I was already giving my first performance. I had fun... and despite the fact that I promised your grandma to end that temporary career by January and go home to KK, I called to say I was staying until June... That hurt her... But she continued to be the mother she had always been; supportive and loving. By end of November, I met your dad. *smiles* Yes, Mommy will tell you in detail how that happened, in a different post.
I got pregnant with you, about two months into the job. My band members cum housemates at that time only got to know about a month after that. They tried to treat me as nice as they could treat a pregnant lady who has to sing nightly. I wanted so bad to quit the job as soon as I found out I was pregnant. Being pregnant and singing in a club, with all the cigarette smoke, extra loud music, staying up all night till 3am singing and dancing, But my band couldn't do without a female singer, and they couldn't find anyone to replace me. So I had to stay until they manage to find one.
It was really, really hard, Sunshine. I was crying most of the time, and I remember I kept saying to you in my growing belly, "Hang on tight, Sunshine... Mommy promise I'll get us out of here as soon as possible..." crying. Based on the pregnancy bible I've been reading, I thought it must had been the hormones that were causing me to cry almost every night. But truly, I was just really disappointed at myself for not being able to provide you with a good 'home' when that was the least I could do.
I've never felt so alone... Yes, your Daddy was around, and I tried to text my best friends once in a while. My mother hadn't known about it, and I just didn't know how to tell her just yet. Your Daddy tried his best to give us what we need and keep me happy. But I guess the experience was too alien to me, so new, so scary... Don't get me wrong, sayang... You were a blessing. But I just kept thinking, would I be enough for you? I know myself all too well to even think about motherhood.
But the miracle was that, everytime I cry out of fear, worry, inadequacy, uncertainty, YOU would somehow assure me, that everything's gonna be alright... Every time... I would be crying in my room or in the washroom, with my hands on my belly, apologizing to you for being so weak, when I was supposed to be the strong one. But somehow, YOU would give me that strength and assurance that I was desperately seeking. I don't know how to explain this any other way, but YOU did, Micah...
And so, since then, I know that no matter how unfit I feel, how scared, how inadequate, how weak, I would feel, I have my son to be brave for, to be strong for, to be enough for... *=')*
Initially, going to Bintulu upon my graduation was just to give singing a shot... I didn't know that what I found there was more than a singing opportunity... For going there had ended my life as I knew it, and the beginning of a much bigger and better one... And for that, thank YOU, my son... =)
Just in case you will someday wonder; You will always be enough for me...
Love,
Your Mother.
There's something that Mommy had forgotten to mention to you; I was a singer of a club when I got pregnant with you. Yup, I sang nightly up until four months after you were conceived. Imagine that; all 65 kilos of me and you, dancing on stage while singing Lady Gaga's Just Dance. Ha ha.
I love my mother with all my heart, and I've always known that she only has the best interest for me. As much as she hates seeing me going ahead to make my own decisions, right or wrong, good or bad, she just supports me. And that was also what she did when I told her about going ahead to Bintulu. I just wanted to give singing a shot. And she understands that, even when she doesn't agree with it.
So by November 5th, 2008, I was already giving my first performance. I had fun... and despite the fact that I promised your grandma to end that temporary career by January and go home to KK, I called to say I was staying until June... That hurt her... But she continued to be the mother she had always been; supportive and loving. By end of November, I met your dad. *smiles* Yes, Mommy will tell you in detail how that happened, in a different post.
It was really, really hard, Sunshine. I was crying most of the time, and I remember I kept saying to you in my growing belly, "Hang on tight, Sunshine... Mommy promise I'll get us out of here as soon as possible..." crying. Based on the pregnancy bible I've been reading, I thought it must had been the hormones that were causing me to cry almost every night. But truly, I was just really disappointed at myself for not being able to provide you with a good 'home' when that was the least I could do.
I've never felt so alone... Yes, your Daddy was around, and I tried to text my best friends once in a while. My mother hadn't known about it, and I just didn't know how to tell her just yet. Your Daddy tried his best to give us what we need and keep me happy. But I guess the experience was too alien to me, so new, so scary... Don't get me wrong, sayang... You were a blessing. But I just kept thinking, would I be enough for you? I know myself all too well to even think about motherhood.
But the miracle was that, everytime I cry out of fear, worry, inadequacy, uncertainty, YOU would somehow assure me, that everything's gonna be alright... Every time... I would be crying in my room or in the washroom, with my hands on my belly, apologizing to you for being so weak, when I was supposed to be the strong one. But somehow, YOU would give me that strength and assurance that I was desperately seeking. I don't know how to explain this any other way, but YOU did, Micah...
And so, since then, I know that no matter how unfit I feel, how scared, how inadequate, how weak, I would feel, I have my son to be brave for, to be strong for, to be enough for... *=')*
Initially, going to Bintulu upon my graduation was just to give singing a shot... I didn't know that what I found there was more than a singing opportunity... For going there had ended my life as I knew it, and the beginning of a much bigger and better one... And for that, thank YOU, my son... =)
Just in case you will someday wonder; You will always be enough for me...
Love,
Your Mother.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
The Anticipation
NOTE: This one was written by hand when I was about 36 weeks pregnant with you... =)
Dear Sunshine,
I hope you don't mind I call you by that name. I didn't know what you were going to be, a boy or a girl, but I wanted so bad to call you by name, instead of just, 'My Baby'. And I thought 'Sunshine' sounds so cute. Apart from the song You Are My Sunshine, there's also this character Ron 'Sunshine' Bass from my favorite movie, Remember The Titans, that I love so much. Then, 7 months later, our practitioner Dr. Lawrence told us you're a boy. Ha ha. I thought, "What the heck. Let's just go on with that petname."
Your father and I didn't plan you, my dear... We had only been together for a short while, but YOU happened... It was a surprise. The news caught us off guard. One day we were just a happy, young, carefree couple and the next day, we were having a family to live for.
Although unplanned, it was never a mistake... We welcomed you with open hearts. Surprised, yes. But happy nevertheless... =) I still remember the face your father had when we found ourselves looking at a positive home pregnancy test. Oh dear, we were smiling, out of disbelief... I had to be honest, it didn't sink in until after the 3rd test and we've went to the doctor to have it confirmed.
It was not until I saw you on the scan equipment screen monitor that I felt like crying... and I did. You were just the size of a bean then; a tiny, 2 weeks old foetus... And I teared up... I wasn's sure about what your father feel but I saw him smiling speechlessly... =) I kept asking myself, "Can you believe it? There's a life forming inside of me. There's a human being inside me!" It was just wonderful... Although scary, not knowing how to be a mother and how our lives would change now that you're coming, but it was wonderful... Almost magical...
I quit my 10 years of smoking in a snap. And although I work in an environment where drinking is a trend, I quit that too. I've never been healthier, never lived a live of good health or even try, but because of you, I tried to, so as to make your 'home' good enough for you. And it was tough because I was away from my own mother and I had no idea how to be pregnant. But I tried anyway. Stuffed myself with bananas and milk and veggies every single day... But in so many ways, thank YOU sunshine... You bring out the best in me... =)
Your father and I talked about you all the time; what should we name you, where should you go to school, how you would look like...
Oh Sunshine... How I can't wait to meet you... This wait is torturing! I'm due on September 22nd, few weeks away, but I'm running out of patience. I want so bad to hold you, and cradle youamd just look at you... It's only days away but it feels so damn long (I'm not supposed to use words like 'damn' by now, am I?). Compared to the past 7 months, this is agonizingly slow...
But I know I shouldn't foce you to come out and meet the world, not when you're not ready.. So, son, come out when you are, okay? But just so you know, we're psyched to meet you!
Until then, know that we love you... I love you... I have a slight feeling that I might miss you once you come out of mme belly. I mean, we've been together, literally, for the past 8 months. Now, I'm about to 'share' you with the rest of the world.. Thinking about it seems scary.
But, my baby, the world is a wonderful place... Weird and scary sometimes, but you have your Mommy and Daddy to look out for you. You'll always be our baby... You'll hate hearing that when you're 16. But trust me, you'll want to hear it again when you start your own family. I know I did. =)
p/s: You are not an accident. God created you for a purpose. You can bet on that. =)
Can't wait to meet you!
Your mother
September 17th, 2009
Dear Sunshine,
I hope you don't mind I call you by that name. I didn't know what you were going to be, a boy or a girl, but I wanted so bad to call you by name, instead of just, 'My Baby'. And I thought 'Sunshine' sounds so cute. Apart from the song You Are My Sunshine, there's also this character Ron 'Sunshine' Bass from my favorite movie, Remember The Titans, that I love so much. Then, 7 months later, our practitioner Dr. Lawrence told us you're a boy. Ha ha. I thought, "What the heck. Let's just go on with that petname."
Your father and I didn't plan you, my dear... We had only been together for a short while, but YOU happened... It was a surprise. The news caught us off guard. One day we were just a happy, young, carefree couple and the next day, we were having a family to live for.
Although unplanned, it was never a mistake... We welcomed you with open hearts. Surprised, yes. But happy nevertheless... =) I still remember the face your father had when we found ourselves looking at a positive home pregnancy test. Oh dear, we were smiling, out of disbelief... I had to be honest, it didn't sink in until after the 3rd test and we've went to the doctor to have it confirmed.
I quit my 10 years of smoking in a snap. And although I work in an environment where drinking is a trend, I quit that too. I've never been healthier, never lived a live of good health or even try, but because of you, I tried to, so as to make your 'home' good enough for you. And it was tough because I was away from my own mother and I had no idea how to be pregnant. But I tried anyway. Stuffed myself with bananas and milk and veggies every single day... But in so many ways, thank YOU sunshine... You bring out the best in me... =)
Your father and I talked about you all the time; what should we name you, where should you go to school, how you would look like...
But I know I shouldn't foce you to come out and meet the world, not when you're not ready.. So, son, come out when you are, okay? But just so you know, we're psyched to meet you!
Until then, know that we love you... I love you... I have a slight feeling that I might miss you once you come out of mme belly. I mean, we've been together, literally, for the past 8 months. Now, I'm about to 'share' you with the rest of the world.. Thinking about it seems scary.
But, my baby, the world is a wonderful place... Weird and scary sometimes, but you have your Mommy and Daddy to look out for you. You'll always be our baby... You'll hate hearing that when you're 16. But trust me, you'll want to hear it again when you start your own family. I know I did. =)
p/s: You are not an accident. God created you for a purpose. You can bet on that. =)
Can't wait to meet you!
Your mother
Friday, March 5, 2010
Scared
NOTE: Mommy wrote this short letter to you in the first couple of weeks I found out I was pregnant with you. =)
February 10th, 2009.
Dear Sunshine...
I'm scared... When your daddy and I first found out, couple of weeks ago, we smiled and tried to live with the fact that we're having a baby... But it never really sunked in, Sunshine... And now it feels so real as I say it out loud, "I'm pregnant..."
I feel so bad for feeling confused and scared, but I am, my child... I'm scared... *cry*
Love nevertheless,
Your mother...
February 10th, 2009.
Dear Sunshine...
I'm scared... When your daddy and I first found out, couple of weeks ago, we smiled and tried to live with the fact that we're having a baby... But it never really sunked in, Sunshine... And now it feels so real as I say it out loud, "I'm pregnant..."
I feel so bad for feeling confused and scared, but I am, my child... I'm scared... *cry*
Love nevertheless,
Your mother...
Hello Son...
By now, you are a healthy 5-month-old baby. I would really love to go on and on about your most recent development. But I think it's better if I start with posts of letters from earlier on; starting from when you were still in Mommy's belly. Yes, I did write some and I want to share it with you as well as others who might be reading this.
So, be patient. We'll get there, and even further. =)
I thought about writing to you way ahead of your literacy period, because I went through stuffs that even I didn't and still don't understand, which explains moments that I lose it and may had taken it out on you. I thought about this because I want you to know how much your feelings and opinion matter (or will matter) to me. I thought about this because, well, I love you more than I could ever promise... May someday you would read these posts and understand your mother even better.
Love,
Your mother...
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