But I Will Love You

Dear Son,

My heart still skips a beat every single time I think about how you were created in my womb... how you were slowly but surely you developed from an embryo to a fetus week by week... Throughout the whole duration of conception to birth, I marveled at the thought of you gradually grow your cells, veins, heart, lungs, brain, hands, feet, the dimples on them, nails, teeth, hairs... Every visit to the doctor, I cried because no matter how many times I get to see you on that scanning machine screen, it still feels unbelievably magical, every time.

I knew having you would change my life forever... I knew that priorities will shift, times would be occupied, tension will rise, headaches will occur, my body will be rest and sleep deprived, worries will be a constant companion, and so will tears... They were all written in the books I read. But no one told me about constant marvel, pride, and everlasting and unconditional love... I've never loved anyone or anything, not even myself, as much as this... Sometimes I feel like the word 'love' itself is not enough to describe what I feel for you, Sonshine... Every time I think of how much I love you and how bad I want everything in the world to be right for you, it makes me cry, because truly, my heart can't contain them..

Times will change. You will grow up, old and wiser. We will argue, we will fight. You will hate me or not. I will be angry at you at times. Your attentions will shift. You will learn to love others. You will want others and not just me. Things will change. You will not need me. You will want other things. We will grow apart. We will not understand each other. You will leave me out. I will grow old and wither. You will love me differently.

But I will love you, forever and a day...

Love,
Your mother.

Running Out of Comfort Words

It's been 6 days and 3 hours since I last saw you.. Not if videos and photos of you count. But I just want so bad to hold you again... And I wish I can stop crying everytime I think of you, and how much I want you back... Your Daddy is running out of comfort-words. Ha ha.

Your grandmother told me that you no longer look for me, as in you don't wake up crying looking for me, but look for her instead. It's good because that means you can sleep well now, but God it scares me that you'll ever forget me. I know you won't. It's just that sometimes I selfishly wish that you would want ME all the time.

I wish I can tell you that I'm fine, like I promised. But I'm a mess. One moment I'm laughing with you daddy and our friends, and another I'm on our bed hugging your pillow, crying. Sometimes I think I'm going nuts.

But Mommy am fine, baby... Yes, I cry. Helplessly at times... But after every session of a good cry, I wipe my tears away and smile thinking about how happy you are in KK, and how great everyone there is taking care of you... In the end, Mommy am fine, sayang... But Mommy will feel so much better when we finally meet again. Which will be soon enough. In the meantime, know that I miss you like crazy, and that I love you, Micah Dangin Chua. I love you...

Love,

Your mother...

Without You

When your grandparents, Mama Tua and Papa Tua, and Mama Sam sent me to the airport on the day that I left for Bintulu without you for the first time, Mommy asked them to leave before I had to enter the departing hall. Because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the grief having have to watch you as I leave. So instead, I had you leave with them ahead. And indeed, tears started forming and my voice started shaking as I hugged you and told you I'll be back...

I took one last look and you were smiling, oblivious to the fact that your mother was facing one of the most difficult moments in her life. It's only temporary, a month. But it feels like letting you go forever...

As I made my way through the security, through the immigration, I tried very, very hard to choke back whatever expression that my body was going to show of my inner emotions. By the time the plane took off, as the light in the flight was dimmed, I let it out... without anyone noticing it..

But it was especially hard when I got to our room in Bintulu... after I washed up and prep myself for bed... And there were your pillows... I held them tight and as hard as I tried not to cry out loud, I fell apart, broke down like a child.. Your father came and hugged me.. And that night, I cried myself to sleep.

It's been like that almost daily. I cry in the morning, when you're not there to wake me and Daddy up. I cry at mealtimes, when you're not there to dine with me. I cry during baths, coz we always bathe together. I cry while driving to work, coz I simply think of you. But mostly, I cry at night, coz you're not there for me to hold, cherish, smell, caress, and just adore...

We go out, your Daddy and I, and we try to make the most out of our time, everyday. But somewhere in between and especially as day-end, if not every second, we think of you, and it's hard not to feel sad...

"It's only a month..." And I shall keep counting the days, sayang...

I love you, Micah.. Always and forever..

I'll Be Fine. I Promise.

Hey there, son...

The last time you and I went back to our home in KK, your grandmother brought up the idea of letting you stay with her for at most a month. I gave it a thought, giving that

I was starting work in Bintulu in a few days time, and your grandmother and Aunt Sam were too sad to let you go too soon. But I bailed out at the last minute. Your father actually had to delay booking our flight back to Bintulu because I was torn in between letting my mother have you for another month and having you stick with me. You came home with me eventually.

Since then, your grandmother had been bringing up requests to have us back there, non-stop. It's not that easy to just go back anymore because I've started work. It's been three months, and we're finally going back to KK again. I would have been super-psyched about it, if only it's a longer than three days trip... and if only you're coming back with me this time...

Mommy agree to let you stay this time, because I had to quit feeling guilty of not giving your

grandmother and aunt a chance to be with you a little more than a week... They longed for that since the day you were born. You had no idea how much they both cried when we left KK for good... That broke my heart... To see my mother cry like that, seeing her daughter move further away from her again, with her grandson.

Our trip back is tomorrow. But I'm already crying like the love of my life had just broke my heart. I cannot imagine being without you for that long... I know it's only a month, but I miss you so much even after five hours of leaving you at the nursery... Mommy just really, really, terribly miss you already...

You're 8 months old now. The Baby Book said in many of your recent developments, you're also

going through separation anxiety. To prove that, you cry out freaking loud whenever you see me walk away from you. The Book said you hate being away from your mother and that whenever I disappear, you could only cry to express your fear and hope for me to come back. And by now you probably already know that I always come back... But what happens when I leave you with grandma, and walk away, and not come back for what seem to be a very long time? How would that make you feel? *tears*

I worry less about leaving you with your grandmother. I'm sure you're in much better hands with her than when you're with me. Grandma will love you, cherish you, and shower you with care and good values... She's a great mother. Aunt Sam will be thrilled to have you around. She had always liked you and gets pretty pissed at me when I brought you back with me, because she really wanted you to stay there with her. Uncle Elon loves you just as much. He used to drive you around back in KK when you got upset. And he kissed and hugged you every morning when you woke up, and every time he came back from work. Grandpa? Let's just say I see the man that I wish is whenever he's with us, when he's with you... You're a diamond, Micah... *smiles*

Mommy's more worried about myself... What would I do without you, sayang? My daily life will totally alter. I wouldn't know what to do. I can go out, and try to relax more, have fun more, but at the end of the day, I know that all I want is to hold you in my arms, and smell you, and pinch your cheek and legs and hands softly, and watch you sleep..... *tears*

And who would be there for me and make me laugh again when I'm feeling down? Because you are my everything now, baby... Being without you is going to me feel... empty...

"It's ONLY a month, Amy.." is my mantra these past couple of days. Or, "He'll be fine." I keep repeating them whenever I find myself seeping into terror of letting you go. You'll be fine. In fact, you'll be in better hands.

And sayang, Mommy will be fine too... I'll be crying at night, but I'll be fine. =) I promise.

I love you. Always and forever.

Love,

Your mother.