Dear son...
You got my heart skips a beat every time I think of you... It's been two months, TWO MONTHS, since Mommy last saw you... Leaving you there in KK with your grandma had been so difficult for me, and going through my days here without you was never easy...
Yes, I got to have a lot of time for myself and Daddy.. Daddy and Mommy can go out 'jalan-jalan' and spend time outside of the house anytime we wanted, for as long as we wanted. We go out at nights without having have to worry who's gonna take care of you. I have time for make-up and hair-do and even time to pick what I wanna wear because you're not around for me to bathe and prepare for every time we go out. I even have time for workouts, something that I had not been able to do for long after becoming a mom. I get to wake up gracefully in the morning without having have to rush. I have time to put lotion and moisturizers on my body and face after baths. I have time to just chill and watch movie or TV before going to bed. I get to stay in the office to finish work for as long as I want. I get to go on outstation assignments! And lots of other time in between all my daily activities for whatever I want. I can even wear high-heels! All of these things possible because you're not around for me to put first in my daily tasks.....
Did mommy enjoy it?
In the mornings when I wake up, as convenient as it is to wake up without having have to rush to prep a baby for the day, I thought of you first, and whispered 'Good morning, Micah' before i say anything else.. And it feels sad not waking up to find you already up and smiling next to me... As the day goes by and I complete my work and go home in the evening, it feels sad not to have you greet me at the doorstep clinging on to the gate waiting for me to pick you up after not seeing me for 8 hours.. It feels sad not having have to drop by the nursery to pick you up.. And as I bathe and dine with your father, it's sad not to have you bathe and dine with us, sad that your bath-basin lies there in the washroom, dry and unused.. As I visit shopping malls or shops, it's sad and awkward not carrying you or pushing you in your stroller.. It feels like empty hands do not work well for Mommy anymore, since I had you.. As I go to bed at night, in between those moments before dozing off, it's agonizing not to have you to cuddle with, and be exhausted for... And as much fun I had or satisfaction with my job and daily tasks everyday, it feels incomplete, and inadequate... Like there's something missing..
In short, Mommy is incomplete without you, Sonshine... And when someone is incomplete, they're not happy..
I just want to be tired again.. I wanna be exhausted again, from a hard day's work and from having have to accommodate time for you.. I just wanna be busy for you again.. I don't want any extra time for make up or hair-do or picking what I wanna wear if that means not having you around.. I'd be fine with just picking up anything within my grab to wear.. I wanna pick up things that you threw on the floor and i wanna complaint about having back-pain for having have to clean up the mess you made over and over again.. I wanna yell, "No, Micah, no!" so many times I get sick of it.. I wanna bathe and feed you till I don't have time for lotion and moisturizers.. I wanna walk you and bring you 'jalan-jalan' and have no room in my hands for plastic bags or other stuffs.. I don't want time for workouts if that means not having you around.. I wanna worry about who's taking care of you at night when I have to work or when Daddy and I are going out.. I wanna have you greet me after a long day at work... I wanna prep you for bed and complaint about being exhausted and have no time for TV or movies before dozing off... I know I'll be complaining about all these things, but I don't care... I JUST WANT YOU BACK.. I WANT TO BECOME YOUR MOM AGAIN... =')
So, baby, these past two months without you hadn't been fun... And I can't wait to hold you again and hug you and kiss you and have you become my son and be a huge part of my daily life..
Your grandma and aunt Sam will be tremendously sad letting you go. But I have to get you back.. Things just won't do without you...
I'll see you tomorrow... I hope you'll still remember me... =)
Love,
Your mother...
