I'll Be Fine. I Promise.

Hey there, son...

The last time you and I went back to our home in KK, your grandmother brought up the idea of letting you stay with her for at most a month. I gave it a thought, giving that

I was starting work in Bintulu in a few days time, and your grandmother and Aunt Sam were too sad to let you go too soon. But I bailed out at the last minute. Your father actually had to delay booking our flight back to Bintulu because I was torn in between letting my mother have you for another month and having you stick with me. You came home with me eventually.

Since then, your grandmother had been bringing up requests to have us back there, non-stop. It's not that easy to just go back anymore because I've started work. It's been three months, and we're finally going back to KK again. I would have been super-psyched about it, if only it's a longer than three days trip... and if only you're coming back with me this time...

Mommy agree to let you stay this time, because I had to quit feeling guilty of not giving your

grandmother and aunt a chance to be with you a little more than a week... They longed for that since the day you were born. You had no idea how much they both cried when we left KK for good... That broke my heart... To see my mother cry like that, seeing her daughter move further away from her again, with her grandson.

Our trip back is tomorrow. But I'm already crying like the love of my life had just broke my heart. I cannot imagine being without you for that long... I know it's only a month, but I miss you so much even after five hours of leaving you at the nursery... Mommy just really, really, terribly miss you already...

You're 8 months old now. The Baby Book said in many of your recent developments, you're also

going through separation anxiety. To prove that, you cry out freaking loud whenever you see me walk away from you. The Book said you hate being away from your mother and that whenever I disappear, you could only cry to express your fear and hope for me to come back. And by now you probably already know that I always come back... But what happens when I leave you with grandma, and walk away, and not come back for what seem to be a very long time? How would that make you feel? *tears*

I worry less about leaving you with your grandmother. I'm sure you're in much better hands with her than when you're with me. Grandma will love you, cherish you, and shower you with care and good values... She's a great mother. Aunt Sam will be thrilled to have you around. She had always liked you and gets pretty pissed at me when I brought you back with me, because she really wanted you to stay there with her. Uncle Elon loves you just as much. He used to drive you around back in KK when you got upset. And he kissed and hugged you every morning when you woke up, and every time he came back from work. Grandpa? Let's just say I see the man that I wish is whenever he's with us, when he's with you... You're a diamond, Micah... *smiles*

Mommy's more worried about myself... What would I do without you, sayang? My daily life will totally alter. I wouldn't know what to do. I can go out, and try to relax more, have fun more, but at the end of the day, I know that all I want is to hold you in my arms, and smell you, and pinch your cheek and legs and hands softly, and watch you sleep..... *tears*

And who would be there for me and make me laugh again when I'm feeling down? Because you are my everything now, baby... Being without you is going to me feel... empty...

"It's ONLY a month, Amy.." is my mantra these past couple of days. Or, "He'll be fine." I keep repeating them whenever I find myself seeping into terror of letting you go. You'll be fine. In fact, you'll be in better hands.

And sayang, Mommy will be fine too... I'll be crying at night, but I'll be fine. =) I promise.

I love you. Always and forever.

Love,

Your mother.