If...

If I Had My Child to Raise Over Again

by Diane Loomans

If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd build self esteem first, and the house later.
I'd fingerpaint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I would care to know less and know to care more.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and less tugging.
I'd see the oak tree in the acorn more often.
I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.
I'd model less about the love of power,
And more about the power of love.

Dear son,

Mommy found this poem some time ago and it made me rethink about a lot of my decisions and actions especially in my daily struggle to balance between work and you and everything else..

If only I have a choice, I'd sing Just the Way you are with you a thousand times. I'd watch Toy Story with you over and over again. I'd draw random lines and nothings with you all afternoon. I'd walk with you as you pick up your choice of stones and little rocks. I'd do anything and everything with you, Micah... I just miss hanging out with you the whole day...

But beds need to be made, dishes need to be washed, mess needs to be cleaned, dirty laundry needs to be done, jobs have to be attended to, works have to completed.

But Mommy's doing her best, okay buddy? And just so you know, it's my favorite thing to do, something I look forward to doing after a hard or dull day's work... All I want is to get in the car pick you up at the daycare where you're waiting patiently at the doorstep, and jumping up and down excitedly at the sight of your mother... There's nothing I love more than being your mother, buddy. Just looking at you gives me joy and purpose. Apa lagi if I get to have more time with you, just layan your silly and singing. Hihi!

Love,

Your mother...

Sorry...

Hey there, my precious..

It's been so long, huh? I think about writing a letter to you every single day, sayang.. But I just couldn't find the time coz there's always something to do; work, and whenever I'm free, it's always having my world wrapped around you...

But I always feel like i don't spend enough time with you.. And oh Micah if only i have an option, I'd spend 24/7 with you... If only we're not in such a bad financial shape, I'd do that.. But please know that Mommy and Papa never thought least or even second of you.. You're always our number ONE TREASURE.. and that's why we spend our time and struggle to work because we want to give you a good life... There's no other way we can do it but work, baby.. We don't want things to be hard for you.. We want to have enough money for you to grow up well and healthy.. Kalau buli sampai ko kawin, ada anak, buy you a house Mommy sama Papa mo supply ko.. But we do what we can..

And I only hope that every morning when you find it hard to let me go off to work, but kiss me goodbye and say "I love you" anyway, you understand that it's not my favorite thing to do, that I'd rather not say goodbye ever, that I do it all for you... =')

And baby, please also know that I try to make up for lost time by spending and mostly appreciating every single moment i have after work with you; singing, playing, just being silly... I hope you're old enough to acknowledge those little moments, because i do, and it means the world to me.. How I love you holding me by my cheeks and kiss my forehead, or you just saying "See, Mommy, see" and (try) to do a breakdancing or whatever it is... hahaha.. My boy...

I love you, Micah... And I hope you'll never forget that..

Love,
Your mom..

"heLLLou"

Boy!

No, that wasn't the "Oh boy!" expression. It's what I've been calling lately, and you responded well. =) The exclamation mark was because I wanted to start this post with a high-spirited attitude because it's been too long since I posted any letter for you, Micah. =( Sorry.. Mommy was just too occupied with everything else (a huuuge part of that being YOU).

You're 2o months old now, or a year and 6 months, with a head-full of hair (and when I say full, it really means A LOT OF HAIRRR, all THICK and BLACK - I envy), and a whole set of teeth. Most people couldn't believe you're barely 2 years old. It's probably the hair and the teeth, and you're ability to say a sarcastic 'hello' oh so perfectly.

Speaking of which, there was one time when I took you to the clinic for your monthly check-up, and a lady took your seat when you were off playing somewhere around, you came back and said, "Hellllo,", rolling the double 'L' so perfectly in a low tone, with a frown on your face, thinning your lips like an annoyed adult. I almost laughed, but managed to hold the laugh back, pretended to be a civilized parent who should stop her kid from being rude, and said a half-angry, half-amused, "Micah don't do that," before the lady stood up voluntarily and left the seat. She didn't look impressed.

Your favorite song used to be Nothin' On You by B.o.B featuring Bruno Mars. It didn't take too long for your Papa and Mommy to realize that it's Bruno Mars that you're after, since realizing you pay full attention to other songs like Millionaire by Travie McCoy featuring BRUNO MARS, and ultimately, the current king of music (to me that is)'s own singles like Just the Way You Are, Grenade, and now, The Lazy Song.

Other than that, you talk like I almost understand you. "Come," you said whenever you ask me to take something for you or want me to lift you up higher so that you can have a good look of the view of the outside from our balcony. The normal "Nenen," "Momom," "Mnum", when you're hungry or thirsty. "O o" when you just pooped, although you haven't fully grasp that one because you say "O o" even when it's just fart, or pee. You're now able to successfully identify not only your grandpa, whom you call "Kung Kung" (he is by far your most favorite person apart from Papa and Mommy), your grandma "Akek", your cousins Icha, Hanna, Eunice, and Baby Adam - tho you call all of them "Hanna" probably because it's the easiest to pronounce - but your favorite cousin I must say is Hanna, coz she's the first person you hug when you see, call over when you wanna share your food, and would claim justice for by biting whoever hits Hanna. You call your big cousin, Aaron "Alay", and all your aunties, "Ateee". You call our dog (which you pronounce as "Cok"), Lucky, "Kachee".. And your teachers, "Chee-cher." And not only do you know us by name, you know which shirt is whose..

From the good school I sent you to, plus constantly repeated Phonics Song videos played on Papa's and Mommy's laptops, you now know - and recognize - 'A' is for Apple, and 'S' is for Sun. You may not know the whole alphabet set yet, but you're definitely getting there. Oh, and your '1,2,3' is also not bad!

The team of My Little House Childcare Center led by Teacher Siti Fatihah also taught you about time-outs, which I've tried on you at home and works. =) I know you don't like time-outs but it is the best way to show you that hitting, pushing, biting, scratching, or just being mean to other kids, is not okay. Of course, you say sorry afterwards and then do it again. But it's a big achievement that you know you're not supposed to to or say anything when you're sent for time-outs. =) Adorable.

You're a great kid, Micah, and I always tell you that. For a 1-year-old toddler, you're achieving so much and I'm so proud of you. I don't know what kind of person you will grow up to be, but I can only hope that I'll be able to raise you well.

In the meantime, please put your crayons back at their case when you're done coloring, okay?

Love always, ALWAYS,
Your Mommy

I Just Wanna Go Home to You

Hey there, my baby..

Mommy had been terribly busy the whole week, not being able to pick you up myself at the nursery, and coming home only at midnight and you're already asleep.. I'm sorry, baby... There had been a tragedy last Monday, and you don't understand it now, but I'll explain them in detail when you're old enough and read this..

In short, it was terrible, sayang.. I kept wanting to go home.. Just being in the middle of all the chaos, of all those involved - their faces wishing like they could just turn back time and save their loved ones... Some of them lost their babies, Micah... I kept thinking about you and all I remember feeling was, I wanna go home, TO YOU.. I never felt like hugging you and kissing you more than at that moment...

There were only sadness and tears throughout the entire week.. Even as I've finished work and went home to hold and hug you (with prior clean-ups and bathes of course, having been around dead bodies and hanging out at mortuary), just seeing you sound asleep made me think about the mothers who had lost their babies... What would I have done if it had been us?

And just thinking about it like that makes me cry.. I kept thinking, "What if I lose my baby/mother/sister/husband/brother/father?"

I pray that no mothers, including me, would ever have to lose their babies like that anymore... I pray that no one ever have to lose their loved ones like that anymore... And as angry as I am towards God for making anything like that possible, I know that He has good plans for everything...

And baby, Mommy love you... With all my heart.. Sorry for not having enough time for you lately, but please know that Mommy think of you every second of the day... I worry about you all the time, and I miss you as soon as i dropped you off at the nursery. And as busy as Mommy gets, as stressed and tired as I get, I want nothing else but to go home to you at the end of every day.. And yes, sayang, you can ask Mommy to read 'The Little Lamb' as many times as you want.. =')

I love you, Micah...
Your mother

Happy First Birthday, Son...

Dear Son...

=') *speechless for a moment, only tears and smiles*

Today, you turn one year old... I'm smiling because it should be a happy occasion.. Because I'm proud of you, of how far you've come, of how much you've achieved; all those baby steps growing steady by the day, all those babbling becoming clearer everyday... You're achieving milestones one after another, fast... And as a mother, I should be proud of that... =)

But I'm also crying, because in a way, it makes me sad that you're growing to be your own person every single day... Soon enough, you're not gonna need me like you do now... You'll go out and explore the world on your own.. The part that I fear the most is, every single day you grow up to be an adult, the less time I have left to hold you and shower you with hugs and kisses... Because you'll start hating them once you've turned 12 or even earlier just because it's uncool... Ha ha..

As much as it tires me to carry yo around and having you tugged on the ends of my pants everyday, I rejoice in the fact that you need me... It feels great to be your mother, Micah... In every single way, physically and emotionally, and even spiritually... You make me feel like life is worth living, but more importantly, you make me feel like I'm worth something, in fact, I feel like I'm worth everything to you... And that feels great... And I don't ever want that to go away... But fact is, it would fade, if not change or completely disappear, in the years to come...

Oh, look at me... Crying and whining about your leaving me to be an adult. You're only ONE YEAR OLD for goodness' sake. Ha ha..

This is only the first of your many birthdays to come, Micah.. And as the birthdays go by, they will become less and less important to you and probably everybody else... But not for Mommy... This day will always be important to me... Coz you see , it's not just your birthday... It's THE DAY that I first became a MOM... A Mother... The greatest title anyone could ever be given... It's the day that I became a brand new person, a much better person... It's the day that my whole perspective on life changed... It's the day that my life changed, to a tougher yet more wonderful journey onwards... It's the day that I HAD YOU... You make me want to live.. You make me want to do better.. You make me want to be better...

So let's both give a toast to this day... The day when God gave us to each other... Happy Birthday Micah... and Happy Motherhood to Mommy... Cheers...

Love,
Your mother...

*still sobbing* LOL...

I Just Want You Back

Dear son...

You got my heart skips a beat every time I think of you... It's been two months, TWO MONTHS, since Mommy last saw you... Leaving you there in KK with your grandma had been so difficult for me, and going through my days here without you was never easy...

Yes, I got to have a lot of time for myself and Daddy.. Daddy and Mommy can go out 'jalan-jalan' and spend time outside of the house anytime we wanted, for as long as we wanted. We go out at nights without having have to worry who's gonna take care of you. I have time for make-up and hair-do and even time to pick what I wanna wear because you're not around for me to bathe and prepare for every time we go out. I even have time for workouts, something that I had not been able to do for long after becoming a mom. I get to wake up gracefully in the morning without having have to rush. I have time to put lotion and moisturizers on my body and face after baths. I have time to just chill and watch movie or TV before going to bed. I get to stay in the office to finish work for as long as I want. I get to go on outstation assignments! And lots of other time in between all my daily activities for whatever I want. I can even wear high-heels! All of these things possible because you're not around for me to put first in my daily tasks.....

Did mommy enjoy it?

In the mornings when I wake up, as convenient as it is to wake up without having have to rush to prep a baby for the day, I thought of you first, and whispered 'Good morning, Micah' before i say anything else.. And it feels sad not waking up to find you already up and smiling next to me... As the day goes by and I complete my work and go home in the evening, it feels sad not to have you greet me at the doorstep clinging on to the gate waiting for me to pick you up after not seeing me for 8 hours.. It feels sad not having have to drop by the nursery to pick you up.. And as I bathe and dine with your father, it's sad not to have you bathe and dine with us, sad that your bath-basin lies there in the washroom, dry and unused.. As I visit shopping malls or shops, it's sad and awkward not carrying you or pushing you in your stroller.. It feels like empty hands do not work well for Mommy anymore, since I had you.. As I go to bed at night, in between those moments before dozing off, it's agonizing not to have you to cuddle with, and be exhausted for... And as much fun I had or satisfaction with my job and daily tasks everyday, it feels incomplete, and inadequate... Like there's something missing..

In short, Mommy is incomplete without you, Sonshine... And when someone is incomplete, they're not happy..

I just want to be tired again.. I wanna be exhausted again, from a hard day's work and from having have to accommodate time for you.. I just wanna be busy for you again.. I don't want any extra time for make up or hair-do or picking what I wanna wear if that means not having you around.. I'd be fine with just picking up anything within my grab to wear.. I wanna pick up things that you threw on the floor and i wanna complaint about having back-pain for having have to clean up the mess you made over and over again.. I wanna yell, "No, Micah, no!" so many times I get sick of it.. I wanna bathe and feed you till I don't have time for lotion and moisturizers.. I wanna walk you and bring you 'jalan-jalan' and have no room in my hands for plastic bags or other stuffs.. I don't want time for workouts if that means not having you around.. I wanna worry about who's taking care of you at night when I have to work or when Daddy and I are going out.. I wanna have you greet me after a long day at work... I wanna prep you for bed and complaint about being exhausted and have no time for TV or movies before dozing off... I know I'll be complaining about all these things, but I don't care... I JUST WANT YOU BACK.. I WANT TO BECOME YOUR MOM AGAIN... =')

So, baby, these past two months without you hadn't been fun... And I can't wait to hold you again and hug you and kiss you and have you become my son and be a huge part of my daily life..

Your grandma and aunt Sam will be tremendously sad letting you go. But I have to get you back.. Things just won't do without you...

I'll see you tomorrow... I hope you'll still remember me... =)

Love,
Your mother...

But I Will Love You

Dear Son,

My heart still skips a beat every single time I think about how you were created in my womb... how you were slowly but surely you developed from an embryo to a fetus week by week... Throughout the whole duration of conception to birth, I marveled at the thought of you gradually grow your cells, veins, heart, lungs, brain, hands, feet, the dimples on them, nails, teeth, hairs... Every visit to the doctor, I cried because no matter how many times I get to see you on that scanning machine screen, it still feels unbelievably magical, every time.

I knew having you would change my life forever... I knew that priorities will shift, times would be occupied, tension will rise, headaches will occur, my body will be rest and sleep deprived, worries will be a constant companion, and so will tears... They were all written in the books I read. But no one told me about constant marvel, pride, and everlasting and unconditional love... I've never loved anyone or anything, not even myself, as much as this... Sometimes I feel like the word 'love' itself is not enough to describe what I feel for you, Sonshine... Every time I think of how much I love you and how bad I want everything in the world to be right for you, it makes me cry, because truly, my heart can't contain them..

Times will change. You will grow up, old and wiser. We will argue, we will fight. You will hate me or not. I will be angry at you at times. Your attentions will shift. You will learn to love others. You will want others and not just me. Things will change. You will not need me. You will want other things. We will grow apart. We will not understand each other. You will leave me out. I will grow old and wither. You will love me differently.

But I will love you, forever and a day...

Love,
Your mother.