You Vs Me

A 'conversation' we had yesterday evening, and on a few other occasions,

Me: Micah, stop playing with your food and eat properly.
You: No way!

On another occasion,

Me: Boy, put the scissors down or you're gonna hurt somebody.
You: No way!

Ha ha ha... That adamant response like you're so sure about what you want and how you want it. And you're only 2 years old.

I laugh most of the time because it's so cute. But when I turn away and start thinking further, to when you're 15, 20, 25 and imagine when you're going to say 'No' - literally or otherwise - to a lot of things, I sighed in fear.

My mom, your Mama Tua, had been a great mother, and still is. I bet she has only the best intentions for her children, like any mother does, but sometimes execute these intentions not to everybody's likings, mainly mine. Up to this day, she still makes me agree to do what she thinks is best for me. And since I had you, I vowed to let you be an adult when you're an adult... Though I've yet to know how easy or difficult if not impossible that would be, until the time finally comes...

I'm scared because I've been 15 before. I wasn't the best teenager to raise and looking back, I know I gave my mom a hard, horrible time during those years. There's something about being a teenager that makes you think that you're invincible, but you're not. It's a 'neither here nor there' situation where you will think you know what you want, but you don't. And the worst part is, you don't listen to anyone, especially your parents, weirdly so because they brought you into this world, raised you, were with you since you took your first step and fed you, yet you think they make the most wrong decisions for you. And now that I'm writing that down, it sucks to admit what an idiot I was. =)

I want to tell you that parents are always right. But I'd be lying because they aren't always are. And I'm putting my authority on the line here because you'd probably decide to cut yourself off myself and your Papa the moment you're reading this. But the truth is, Micah, as much as parents think they know what's best for you, we don't. At least not always. There are moments when they're sure, but there will also be moments when they make decisions for you out of fear you will fail, more than out of being convinced those decisions are right.

It will never be easy... For both of us. I can only hope that your Papa and I will raise you right for you to know what to do, and for us to know when to tell you what to do and when to let you go ahead with your own mind...

I guess, we can only love you enough to trust you with your guts, and pick you up whenever you screw up...

Love,
Your mother =)

Together More

Hey there, buddy...

Mommy's at work and having a hard time concentrating because there are just a lot of things to do. Plus, I miss you terribly. It was probably a bad idea to look at videos of your baby-self at work as an idea to release some stress. Ha ha...

You're at the nursery. And honestly I constantly worry about sending you there. It's the idea of you being taken care of by people I don't know. Well it's only been four months now. But it's different from the school daycare I sent you to in Bintulu since you were 6 months old. They communicated with me and I can tell how much you loved it there with your friends and teachers. Compared to this one. We might be looking for a new and better school for you to go to. Somewhere where you will be happy. I'm least concerned about your 'smart' achievements because I know you're smart =). Hence, I don't look for schools that will ensure you score straight As in your future education. I just want a place where you will be happy.

That's probably because in my 26 years of life, I've learned that what matters most in life is for you to be happy; to feel utterly safe, loved, cared for, and just feel pure utter joy... If you don't have this, then nothing else will make you feel enough. And I want you to feel adequate, like you have everything you need.

And that makes me cry sometimes because I know you need me around. I know you need your Papa around. And I've probably said this a million times, but it sucks to only be able to spend four hours or less of your daily life with you. And it has to suck more for your Papa because he only gets to see you at once a month at the very least. He tells me everyday that he misses you. And he may not show or tell that he cries but sometimes I can tell through his words... Everyday, our prayer is for God to help make it easy for us to be together and live as a family; you, Mommy and Papa... And soon, you lil' baby adik... Yes, baby... You're gonna be a big brother! I've told you and you've even started to rub Mommy's tummy and say, "Hi baby!" and kiss it. But i have to put it in here to make it official. Hehe...

That being said, it calls for us to be together as a family even more... And, honey, don't you worry. I'll be loving you like I always have since the first I knew I was gonna have you.. And we'll be loving our new buddy just the same. You won't understand it now, why you have to 'share' me and Papa with your new sibling. But by time you will. And Mommy hope that Papa and I will be doing the best we can to raise you and love you right, so that you'll love your brother or sister just the same.

In the meantime, know that I want nothing but to spend more time with you, and want only the best for you. That's why I'm working hard to earn enough for all of us. Which reminds me of that work I have to get done prior to writing this. Ha ha.

Undertsand that, okay buddy?

I love you. As always.

Your mother.

If...

If I Had My Child to Raise Over Again

by Diane Loomans

If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd build self esteem first, and the house later.
I'd fingerpaint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I would care to know less and know to care more.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and less tugging.
I'd see the oak tree in the acorn more often.
I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.
I'd model less about the love of power,
And more about the power of love.

Dear son,

Mommy found this poem some time ago and it made me rethink about a lot of my decisions and actions especially in my daily struggle to balance between work and you and everything else..

If only I have a choice, I'd sing Just the Way you are with you a thousand times. I'd watch Toy Story with you over and over again. I'd draw random lines and nothings with you all afternoon. I'd walk with you as you pick up your choice of stones and little rocks. I'd do anything and everything with you, Micah... I just miss hanging out with you the whole day...

But beds need to be made, dishes need to be washed, mess needs to be cleaned, dirty laundry needs to be done, jobs have to be attended to, works have to completed.

But Mommy's doing her best, okay buddy? And just so you know, it's my favorite thing to do, something I look forward to doing after a hard or dull day's work... All I want is to get in the car pick you up at the daycare where you're waiting patiently at the doorstep, and jumping up and down excitedly at the sight of your mother... There's nothing I love more than being your mother, buddy. Just looking at you gives me joy and purpose. Apa lagi if I get to have more time with you, just layan your silly and singing. Hihi!

Love,

Your mother...

Happy First Birthday, Son...

Dear Son...

=') *speechless for a moment, only tears and smiles*

Today, you turn one year old... I'm smiling because it should be a happy occasion.. Because I'm proud of you, of how far you've come, of how much you've achieved; all those baby steps growing steady by the day, all those babbling becoming clearer everyday... You're achieving milestones one after another, fast... And as a mother, I should be proud of that... =)

But I'm also crying, because in a way, it makes me sad that you're growing to be your own person every single day... Soon enough, you're not gonna need me like you do now... You'll go out and explore the world on your own.. The part that I fear the most is, every single day you grow up to be an adult, the less time I have left to hold you and shower you with hugs and kisses... Because you'll start hating them once you've turned 12 or even earlier just because it's uncool... Ha ha..

As much as it tires me to carry yo around and having you tugged on the ends of my pants everyday, I rejoice in the fact that you need me... It feels great to be your mother, Micah... In every single way, physically and emotionally, and even spiritually... You make me feel like life is worth living, but more importantly, you make me feel like I'm worth something, in fact, I feel like I'm worth everything to you... And that feels great... And I don't ever want that to go away... But fact is, it would fade, if not change or completely disappear, in the years to come...

Oh, look at me... Crying and whining about your leaving me to be an adult. You're only ONE YEAR OLD for goodness' sake. Ha ha..

This is only the first of your many birthdays to come, Micah.. And as the birthdays go by, they will become less and less important to you and probably everybody else... But not for Mommy... This day will always be important to me... Coz you see , it's not just your birthday... It's THE DAY that I first became a MOM... A Mother... The greatest title anyone could ever be given... It's the day that I became a brand new person, a much better person... It's the day that my whole perspective on life changed... It's the day that my life changed, to a tougher yet more wonderful journey onwards... It's the day that I HAD YOU... You make me want to live.. You make me want to do better.. You make me want to be better...

So let's both give a toast to this day... The day when God gave us to each other... Happy Birthday Micah... and Happy Motherhood to Mommy... Cheers...

Love,
Your mother...

*still sobbing* LOL...

I Just Want You Back

Dear son...

You got my heart skips a beat every time I think of you... It's been two months, TWO MONTHS, since Mommy last saw you... Leaving you there in KK with your grandma had been so difficult for me, and going through my days here without you was never easy...

Yes, I got to have a lot of time for myself and Daddy.. Daddy and Mommy can go out 'jalan-jalan' and spend time outside of the house anytime we wanted, for as long as we wanted. We go out at nights without having have to worry who's gonna take care of you. I have time for make-up and hair-do and even time to pick what I wanna wear because you're not around for me to bathe and prepare for every time we go out. I even have time for workouts, something that I had not been able to do for long after becoming a mom. I get to wake up gracefully in the morning without having have to rush. I have time to put lotion and moisturizers on my body and face after baths. I have time to just chill and watch movie or TV before going to bed. I get to stay in the office to finish work for as long as I want. I get to go on outstation assignments! And lots of other time in between all my daily activities for whatever I want. I can even wear high-heels! All of these things possible because you're not around for me to put first in my daily tasks.....

Did mommy enjoy it?

In the mornings when I wake up, as convenient as it is to wake up without having have to rush to prep a baby for the day, I thought of you first, and whispered 'Good morning, Micah' before i say anything else.. And it feels sad not waking up to find you already up and smiling next to me... As the day goes by and I complete my work and go home in the evening, it feels sad not to have you greet me at the doorstep clinging on to the gate waiting for me to pick you up after not seeing me for 8 hours.. It feels sad not having have to drop by the nursery to pick you up.. And as I bathe and dine with your father, it's sad not to have you bathe and dine with us, sad that your bath-basin lies there in the washroom, dry and unused.. As I visit shopping malls or shops, it's sad and awkward not carrying you or pushing you in your stroller.. It feels like empty hands do not work well for Mommy anymore, since I had you.. As I go to bed at night, in between those moments before dozing off, it's agonizing not to have you to cuddle with, and be exhausted for... And as much fun I had or satisfaction with my job and daily tasks everyday, it feels incomplete, and inadequate... Like there's something missing..

In short, Mommy is incomplete without you, Sonshine... And when someone is incomplete, they're not happy..

I just want to be tired again.. I wanna be exhausted again, from a hard day's work and from having have to accommodate time for you.. I just wanna be busy for you again.. I don't want any extra time for make up or hair-do or picking what I wanna wear if that means not having you around.. I'd be fine with just picking up anything within my grab to wear.. I wanna pick up things that you threw on the floor and i wanna complaint about having back-pain for having have to clean up the mess you made over and over again.. I wanna yell, "No, Micah, no!" so many times I get sick of it.. I wanna bathe and feed you till I don't have time for lotion and moisturizers.. I wanna walk you and bring you 'jalan-jalan' and have no room in my hands for plastic bags or other stuffs.. I don't want time for workouts if that means not having you around.. I wanna worry about who's taking care of you at night when I have to work or when Daddy and I are going out.. I wanna have you greet me after a long day at work... I wanna prep you for bed and complaint about being exhausted and have no time for TV or movies before dozing off... I know I'll be complaining about all these things, but I don't care... I JUST WANT YOU BACK.. I WANT TO BECOME YOUR MOM AGAIN... =')

So, baby, these past two months without you hadn't been fun... And I can't wait to hold you again and hug you and kiss you and have you become my son and be a huge part of my daily life..

Your grandma and aunt Sam will be tremendously sad letting you go. But I have to get you back.. Things just won't do without you...

I'll see you tomorrow... I hope you'll still remember me... =)

Love,
Your mother...