One of my biggest fears is to die ahead of time, before I get the chance to watch you and your future sibling(s) grow and be assured that you guys are going to be fine. That is the major reason why I set up this blog and hope that you will someday read all the stuff I write in here, just in case I won't get the chance to share with you my two cents worth on life and everything else. Many things will happen. If it's not death, other things might get between us. It could be distance, it could be pride, it could be something so small that escalates to something big and causes a rift between you and me. It could be so many things. But I pray to God that none of this will happen, Micah.... I can't even imagine being there; to lose my babies in any way after loving you, holding you, and having you for so long. I pray that no matter what happens, you will always know that I love you. Always know that I love you...
But of course, you're only two now. And you have yet the ability to understand what am I babbling about. We have a long way to go and I might (or might not) have all the time in the world to raise you and share with you the things that I feel are important in life. But just in case, just in case, these letters are written with the hope to help you grow and cope with the gazillion things that will come your way as you grow...
I couldn't possibly tell you ALL the wisdom and useful ramblings that matter and will help you with life. I am afterall only 27. Haha. I'm probably not wise enough to even try and teach you things about life and adulthood. But I'll try to impart to you what's within my capacity...
And to start off, there is this one song that I have always listened to since its release in 1999. I was only 14 then, and I never really measure the weight of the song and its ultimate value. Not until I was 21 that I really listened to Baz Luhrman's words and take them one by one and thought, "This could be the ultimate guide to the universe," and had since listen to it as often as I can to remind me the important things in life. And I hope you too will find it helpful.
Here's the lyrics to Baz Luhrman's Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen:
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '99
Wear Sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering experience,
I will dispense this advice, now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth;
oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself, and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked,.
You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind;
the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you
Sing
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss
Don't waste your time on jealousy;
sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind; the race is long,
and in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults;
if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life,
the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives,
some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't,
maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't,
maybe you'll divorce at 40,
maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary,
what ever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much
or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance,
so are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can,
don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it,
it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own..
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings, they're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get,
the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard;
live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander,
you too will get old and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young
prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you.
Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse;
but you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal,
wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.
Showing posts with label Worries. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Worries. Show all posts
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Thursday, December 1, 2011
You Vs Me
A 'conversation' we had yesterday evening, and on a few other occasions,
Me: Micah, stop playing with your food and eat properly.
You: No way!
On another occasion,
Me: Boy, put the scissors down or you're gonna hurt somebody.
You: No way!
Ha ha ha... That adamant response like you're so sure about what you want and how you want it. And you're only 2 years old.
I laugh most of the time because it's so cute. But when I turn away and start thinking further, to when you're 15, 20, 25 and imagine when you're going to say 'No' - literally or otherwise - to a lot of things, I sighed in fear.
My mom, your Mama Tua, had been a great mother, and still is. I bet she has only the best intentions for her children, like any mother does, but sometimes execute these intentions not to everybody's likings, mainly mine. Up to this day, she still makes me agree to do what she thinks is best for me. And since I had you, I vowed to let you be an adult when you're an adult... Though I've yet to know how easy or difficult if not impossible that would be, until the time finally comes...
I'm scared because I've been 15 before. I wasn't the best teenager to raise and looking back, I know I gave my mom a hard, horrible time during those years. There's something about being a teenager that makes you think that you're invincible, but you're not. It's a 'neither here nor there' situation where you will think you know what you want, but you don't. And the worst part is, you don't listen to anyone, especially your parents, weirdly so because they brought you into this world, raised you, were with you since you took your first step and fed you, yet you think they make the most wrong decisions for you. And now that I'm writing that down, it sucks to admit what an idiot I was. =)
I want to tell you that parents are always right. But I'd be lying because they aren't always are. And I'm putting my authority on the line here because you'd probably decide to cut yourself off myself and your Papa the moment you're reading this. But the truth is, Micah, as much as parents think they know what's best for you, we don't. At least not always. There are moments when they're sure, but there will also be moments when they make decisions for you out of fear you will fail, more than out of being convinced those decisions are right.
It will never be easy... For both of us. I can only hope that your Papa and I will raise you right for you to know what to do, and for us to know when to tell you what to do and when to let you go ahead with your own mind...
I guess, we can only love you enough to trust you with your guts, and pick you up whenever you screw up...
Love,
Your mother =)
Me: Micah, stop playing with your food and eat properly.
You: No way!
On another occasion,
Me: Boy, put the scissors down or you're gonna hurt somebody.
You: No way!
Ha ha ha... That adamant response like you're so sure about what you want and how you want it. And you're only 2 years old.
I laugh most of the time because it's so cute. But when I turn away and start thinking further, to when you're 15, 20, 25 and imagine when you're going to say 'No' - literally or otherwise - to a lot of things, I sighed in fear.
My mom, your Mama Tua, had been a great mother, and still is. I bet she has only the best intentions for her children, like any mother does, but sometimes execute these intentions not to everybody's likings, mainly mine. Up to this day, she still makes me agree to do what she thinks is best for me. And since I had you, I vowed to let you be an adult when you're an adult... Though I've yet to know how easy or difficult if not impossible that would be, until the time finally comes...
I'm scared because I've been 15 before. I wasn't the best teenager to raise and looking back, I know I gave my mom a hard, horrible time during those years. There's something about being a teenager that makes you think that you're invincible, but you're not. It's a 'neither here nor there' situation where you will think you know what you want, but you don't. And the worst part is, you don't listen to anyone, especially your parents, weirdly so because they brought you into this world, raised you, were with you since you took your first step and fed you, yet you think they make the most wrong decisions for you. And now that I'm writing that down, it sucks to admit what an idiot I was. =)
I want to tell you that parents are always right. But I'd be lying because they aren't always are. And I'm putting my authority on the line here because you'd probably decide to cut yourself off myself and your Papa the moment you're reading this. But the truth is, Micah, as much as parents think they know what's best for you, we don't. At least not always. There are moments when they're sure, but there will also be moments when they make decisions for you out of fear you will fail, more than out of being convinced those decisions are right.
It will never be easy... For both of us. I can only hope that your Papa and I will raise you right for you to know what to do, and for us to know when to tell you what to do and when to let you go ahead with your own mind...
I guess, we can only love you enough to trust you with your guts, and pick you up whenever you screw up...
Love,
Your mother =)
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Together More
Hey there, buddy...
Mommy's at work and having a hard time concentrating because there are just a lot of things to do. Plus, I miss you terribly. It was probably a bad idea to look at videos of your baby-self at work as an idea to release some stress. Ha ha...
You're at the nursery. And honestly I constantly worry about sending you there. It's the idea of you being taken care of by people I don't know. Well it's only been four months now. But it's different from the school daycare I sent you to in Bintulu since you were 6 months old. They communicated with me and I can tell how much you loved it there with your friends and teachers. Compared to this one. We might be looking for a new and better school for you to go to. Somewhere where you will be happy. I'm least concerned about your 'smart' achievements because I know you're smart =). Hence, I don't look for schools that will ensure you score straight As in your future education. I just want a place where you will be happy.
That's probably because in my 26 years of life, I've learned that what matters most in life is for you to be happy; to feel utterly safe, loved, cared for, and just feel pure utter joy... If you don't have this, then nothing else will make you feel enough. And I want you to feel adequate, like you have everything you need.
And that makes me cry sometimes because I know you need me around. I know you need your Papa around. And I've probably said this a million times, but it sucks to only be able to spend four hours or less of your daily life with you. And it has to suck more for your Papa because he only gets to see you at once a month at the very least. He tells me everyday that he misses you. And he may not show or tell that he cries but sometimes I can tell through his words... Everyday, our prayer is for God to help make it easy for us to be together and live as a family; you, Mommy and Papa... And soon, you lil' baby adik... Yes, baby... You're gonna be a big brother! I've told you and you've even started to rub Mommy's tummy and say, "Hi baby!" and kiss it. But i have to put it in here to make it official. Hehe...
That being said, it calls for us to be together as a family even more... And, honey, don't you worry. I'll be loving you like I always have since the first I knew I was gonna have you.. And we'll be loving our new buddy just the same. You won't understand it now, why you have to 'share' me and Papa with your new sibling. But by time you will. And Mommy hope that Papa and I will be doing the best we can to raise you and love you right, so that you'll love your brother or sister just the same.
In the meantime, know that I want nothing but to spend more time with you, and want only the best for you. That's why I'm working hard to earn enough for all of us. Which reminds me of that work I have to get done prior to writing this. Ha ha.
Undertsand that, okay buddy?
I love you. As always.
Your mother.
Mommy's at work and having a hard time concentrating because there are just a lot of things to do. Plus, I miss you terribly. It was probably a bad idea to look at videos of your baby-self at work as an idea to release some stress. Ha ha...
You're at the nursery. And honestly I constantly worry about sending you there. It's the idea of you being taken care of by people I don't know. Well it's only been four months now. But it's different from the school daycare I sent you to in Bintulu since you were 6 months old. They communicated with me and I can tell how much you loved it there with your friends and teachers. Compared to this one. We might be looking for a new and better school for you to go to. Somewhere where you will be happy. I'm least concerned about your 'smart' achievements because I know you're smart =). Hence, I don't look for schools that will ensure you score straight As in your future education. I just want a place where you will be happy.
That's probably because in my 26 years of life, I've learned that what matters most in life is for you to be happy; to feel utterly safe, loved, cared for, and just feel pure utter joy... If you don't have this, then nothing else will make you feel enough. And I want you to feel adequate, like you have everything you need.
And that makes me cry sometimes because I know you need me around. I know you need your Papa around. And I've probably said this a million times, but it sucks to only be able to spend four hours or less of your daily life with you. And it has to suck more for your Papa because he only gets to see you at once a month at the very least. He tells me everyday that he misses you. And he may not show or tell that he cries but sometimes I can tell through his words... Everyday, our prayer is for God to help make it easy for us to be together and live as a family; you, Mommy and Papa... And soon, you lil' baby adik... Yes, baby... You're gonna be a big brother! I've told you and you've even started to rub Mommy's tummy and say, "Hi baby!" and kiss it. But i have to put it in here to make it official. Hehe...
That being said, it calls for us to be together as a family even more... And, honey, don't you worry. I'll be loving you like I always have since the first I knew I was gonna have you.. And we'll be loving our new buddy just the same. You won't understand it now, why you have to 'share' me and Papa with your new sibling. But by time you will. And Mommy hope that Papa and I will be doing the best we can to raise you and love you right, so that you'll love your brother or sister just the same.
In the meantime, know that I want nothing but to spend more time with you, and want only the best for you. That's why I'm working hard to earn enough for all of us. Which reminds me of that work I have to get done prior to writing this. Ha ha.
Undertsand that, okay buddy?
I love you. As always.
Your mother.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Happy 2nd Birthday, Buddy!
Two years ago, today, I officially became a mother when you were 'detached' from my womb after nine months you were created. There's a sense of pride, honor, joy, and just pure soft emotions that surround me whenever I think about that, and how you've grown to be so big now. Look at you... All the hair, the teeth, the smile.. Look at how tall you are now... It's getting harder to carry you around; your legs are so long now!And not forgetting how smart you're becoming every single day... Mommy can actually understand what you're saying now. Ha ha.. You're even able to form three-word sentences like, "Say sorry to Mommy." Oh wait, that's four! You recognize everyone and could guess everyone's clothes.
You can even sing to We Will Rock You and That's What You Get. And hold a guitar as if you know how to play it while tapping your feet to The Lazy Song. You look so grown up when you do that... And I'm so proud of you...
As much as Mommy want to hold you always and forever, growing up and letting go is inevitable... You'll be a teenager someday and all the hugs, kisses would probably stop. But I hope you will always, ALWAYS know that your mother loves you with all her heart and soul. There will be times when that is hard to believe; I'd be restricting your going-outs or tell you which friends you should or should not see. I would probably tell you a lot of no's and don'ts. And you would probably hate me for a lot of things. Mommy, now 26, still hates your grandma for some things. Ha ha... But please always go back to where things were and remember that above all, I have your best interest at heart and want everything in the world to be right for you. Though I know that's impossible, I'd die trying.
There are a lot of things I wanna tell you, buddy; things that I'm worried I'd not have the chance to tell you about life. But Mommy's at work and I think my boss can see me tearing up in front of the computer. But I'll find time for that.
Till then, hugs, kisses, and all the love in the world from your mother. And hey, your Papa is coming home today! Isn't that great? We'll post pictures of your birthday soon after, aight?
Love,
Your mother
Monday, October 25, 2010
I Just Wanna Go Home to You
Hey there, my baby..
Mommy had been terribly busy the whole week, not being able to pick you up myself at the nursery, and coming home only at midnight and you're already asleep.. I'm sorry, baby... There had been a tragedy last Monday, and you don't understand it now, but I'll explain them in detail when you're old enough and read this..
In short, it was terrible, sayang.. I kept wanting to go home.. Just being in the middle of all the chaos, of all those involved - their faces wishing like they could just turn back time and save their loved ones... Some of them lost their babies, Micah... I kept thinking about you and all I remember feeling was, I wanna go home, TO YOU.. I never felt like hugging you and kissing you more than at that moment...
There were only sadness and tears throughout the entire week.. Even as I've finished work and went home to hold and hug you (with prior clean-ups and bathes of course, having been around dead bodies and hanging out at mortuary), just seeing you sound asleep made me think about the mothers who had lost their babies... What would I have done if it had been us?
And just thinking about it like that makes me cry.. I kept thinking, "What if I lose my baby/mother/sister/husband/brother/father?"
I pray that no mothers, including me, would ever have to lose their babies like that anymore... I pray that no one ever have to lose their loved ones like that anymore... And as angry as I am towards God for making anything like that possible, I know that He has good plans for everything...
And baby, Mommy love you... With all my heart.. Sorry for not having enough time for you lately, but please know that Mommy think of you every second of the day... I worry about you all the time, and I miss you as soon as i dropped you off at the nursery. And as busy as Mommy gets, as stressed and tired as I get, I want nothing else but to go home to you at the end of every day.. And yes, sayang, you can ask Mommy to read 'The Little Lamb' as many times as you want.. =')
I love you, Micah...
Your mother
Mommy had been terribly busy the whole week, not being able to pick you up myself at the nursery, and coming home only at midnight and you're already asleep.. I'm sorry, baby... There had been a tragedy last Monday, and you don't understand it now, but I'll explain them in detail when you're old enough and read this..
In short, it was terrible, sayang.. I kept wanting to go home.. Just being in the middle of all the chaos, of all those involved - their faces wishing like they could just turn back time and save their loved ones... Some of them lost their babies, Micah... I kept thinking about you and all I remember feeling was, I wanna go home, TO YOU.. I never felt like hugging you and kissing you more than at that moment...
There were only sadness and tears throughout the entire week.. Even as I've finished work and went home to hold and hug you (with prior clean-ups and bathes of course, having been around dead bodies and hanging out at mortuary), just seeing you sound asleep made me think about the mothers who had lost their babies... What would I have done if it had been us?
And just thinking about it like that makes me cry.. I kept thinking, "What if I lose my baby/mother/sister/husband/brother/father?"
I pray that no mothers, including me, would ever have to lose their babies like that anymore... I pray that no one ever have to lose their loved ones like that anymore... And as angry as I am towards God for making anything like that possible, I know that He has good plans for everything...
And baby, Mommy love you... With all my heart.. Sorry for not having enough time for you lately, but please know that Mommy think of you every second of the day... I worry about you all the time, and I miss you as soon as i dropped you off at the nursery. And as busy as Mommy gets, as stressed and tired as I get, I want nothing else but to go home to you at the end of every day.. And yes, sayang, you can ask Mommy to read 'The Little Lamb' as many times as you want.. =')
I love you, Micah...
Your mother
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Your First Injury
Micah Sayang...
Today you fell... It's not a first; you've fell off the bed, walker, for the umpteenth time now. But today, this one caused you injury; a small cut on your upper lip... And Mommy feel so damn bad... ='(
My heart skipped a beat when you first fell of the bed. You were four months old. It was late at night, we (you, me, your Daddy) were all sleeping on the bed when suddenly I woke up to find you were no longer on the bed with us. I got up to look for you. It felt surreal, being groggy from my sleep and all. I could hear your voice but couldn't find you as it was semi-dark. Then finally there you were, on your tummy, head looking up, probably asking for help. But you weren't crying, just making a sound somehow. I ran and picked you up ad checked to see if you you broke a bone or got a bruise anywhere. After a thorough check-up, you seemed fine and we went back to sleep.
After that, it was an endless series of falling off things; bed, walker, chair. Daddy and Mommy gradually learned not to panic and over-worry ourselves. We worry nevertheless, but at least it didn't drive us to bring you to see a doctor EVERY time you fell.
But today... Mommy was preparing your lunch porridge... I already knew that you've recently learned how to stand up from the baby-chair. And for that, I shouldn't have left you unattended even for a second... ='( The next thing I knew we were both crying... There was blood on Mommy's shirt. And when I checked to see where did it all come from, I found more on your mouth... Thank God it was just a minor cut on your upper lip... I'm utterly sorry, Sunshine...
Your Ake' (grandma) and Kung Kung (grandpa) and Uncle Naza tried to console both you and Mommy. I must have turned blue or something, coz hey tried so much to calm me down... I just feel really, really bad... This, plus the one this morning when you fell head first just because I refused to get up the bed earlier... ='(
I have a feeling it doesn't end here... That there will be more fall-offs, injuries; big and small, cuts, worries... I can't help but cry, when I think about this... This is just one small cut. But what do I do when you know how to walk and learn how to explore the world on your own? When you think you can handle it and insist on doing things on your own; climb, crawl, run, plunge, DRIVE??? ='(
I only know too well that there's nothing I can do to stop things from happening... My own mother tried her best to keep me and my siblings safe (whatever that means)... But we broke our ankles and arms anyway, we got into accidents, we cut our heads and knees anyway... I can only imagine the horror when you experience these injuries yourself... But I don;t want to think about that just yet... Not now...
As for now, I can only hold you tight, and sing you lullabies... "Hush my love now don't cry... Everything will be alright..."
*singing continues...*
Today you fell... It's not a first; you've fell off the bed, walker, for the umpteenth time now. But today, this one caused you injury; a small cut on your upper lip... And Mommy feel so damn bad... ='(
My heart skipped a beat when you first fell of the bed. You were four months old. It was late at night, we (you, me, your Daddy) were all sleeping on the bed when suddenly I woke up to find you were no longer on the bed with us. I got up to look for you. It felt surreal, being groggy from my sleep and all. I could hear your voice but couldn't find you as it was semi-dark. Then finally there you were, on your tummy, head looking up, probably asking for help. But you weren't crying, just making a sound somehow. I ran and picked you up ad checked to see if you you broke a bone or got a bruise anywhere. After a thorough check-up, you seemed fine and we went back to sleep.
After that, it was an endless series of falling off things; bed, walker, chair. Daddy and Mommy gradually learned not to panic and over-worry ourselves. We worry nevertheless, but at least it didn't drive us to bring you to see a doctor EVERY time you fell.
But today... Mommy was preparing your lunch porridge... I already knew that you've recently learned how to stand up from the baby-chair. And for that, I shouldn't have left you unattended even for a second... ='( The next thing I knew we were both crying... There was blood on Mommy's shirt. And when I checked to see where did it all come from, I found more on your mouth... Thank God it was just a minor cut on your upper lip... I'm utterly sorry, Sunshine...
Your Ake' (grandma) and Kung Kung (grandpa) and Uncle Naza tried to console both you and Mommy. I must have turned blue or something, coz hey tried so much to calm me down... I just feel really, really bad... This, plus the one this morning when you fell head first just because I refused to get up the bed earlier... ='(
I have a feeling it doesn't end here... That there will be more fall-offs, injuries; big and small, cuts, worries... I can't help but cry, when I think about this... This is just one small cut. But what do I do when you know how to walk and learn how to explore the world on your own? When you think you can handle it and insist on doing things on your own; climb, crawl, run, plunge, DRIVE??? ='(
I only know too well that there's nothing I can do to stop things from happening... My own mother tried her best to keep me and my siblings safe (whatever that means)... But we broke our ankles and arms anyway, we got into accidents, we cut our heads and knees anyway... I can only imagine the horror when you experience these injuries yourself... But I don;t want to think about that just yet... Not now...
As for now, I can only hold you tight, and sing you lullabies... "Hush my love now don't cry... Everything will be alright..."
*singing continues...*
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