Probably THE Most Important Letter I Want You to Read

One of my biggest fears is to die ahead of time, before I get the chance to watch you and your future sibling(s) grow and be assured that you guys are going to be fine. That is the major reason why I set up this blog and hope that you will someday read all the stuff I write in here, just in case I won't get the chance to share with you my two cents worth on life and everything else. Many things will happen. If it's not death, other things might get between us. It could be distance, it could be pride, it could be something so small that escalates to something big and causes a rift between you and me. It could be so many things. But I pray to God that none of this will happen, Micah.... I can't even imagine being there; to lose my babies in any way after loving you, holding you, and having you for so long. I pray that no matter what happens, you will always know that I love you. Always know that I love you...

But of course, you're only two now. And you have yet the ability to understand what am I babbling about. We have a long way to go and I might (or might not) have all the time in the world to raise you and share with you the things that I feel are important in life. But just in case, just in case, these letters are written with the hope to help you grow and cope with the gazillion things that will come your way as you grow...

I couldn't possibly tell you ALL the wisdom and useful ramblings that matter and will help you with life. I am afterall only 27. Haha. I'm probably not wise enough to even try and teach you things about life and adulthood. But I'll try to impart to you what's within my capacity...

And to start off, there is this one song that I have always listened to since its release in 1999. I was only 14 then, and I never really measure the weight of the song and its ultimate value. Not until I was 21 that I really listened to Baz Luhrman's words and take them one by one and thought, "This could be the ultimate guide to the universe," and had since listen to it as often as I can to remind me the important things in life. And I hope you too will find it helpful.

Here's the lyrics to Baz Luhrman's Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen:

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '99
Wear Sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering experience,
I will dispense this advice, now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth;
oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself, and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked,.
You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind;
the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don't waste your time on jealousy;
sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind; the race is long,
and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults;
if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life,
the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives,
some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't,
maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't,
maybe you'll divorce at 40,
maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary,
what ever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much
or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance,
so are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can,
don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it,
it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own..

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings, they're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get,
the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard;
live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander,
you too will get old and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young
prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you.
Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse;
but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal,
wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

You Vs Me

A 'conversation' we had yesterday evening, and on a few other occasions,

Me: Micah, stop playing with your food and eat properly.
You: No way!

On another occasion,

Me: Boy, put the scissors down or you're gonna hurt somebody.
You: No way!

Ha ha ha... That adamant response like you're so sure about what you want and how you want it. And you're only 2 years old.

I laugh most of the time because it's so cute. But when I turn away and start thinking further, to when you're 15, 20, 25 and imagine when you're going to say 'No' - literally or otherwise - to a lot of things, I sighed in fear.

My mom, your Mama Tua, had been a great mother, and still is. I bet she has only the best intentions for her children, like any mother does, but sometimes execute these intentions not to everybody's likings, mainly mine. Up to this day, she still makes me agree to do what she thinks is best for me. And since I had you, I vowed to let you be an adult when you're an adult... Though I've yet to know how easy or difficult if not impossible that would be, until the time finally comes...

I'm scared because I've been 15 before. I wasn't the best teenager to raise and looking back, I know I gave my mom a hard, horrible time during those years. There's something about being a teenager that makes you think that you're invincible, but you're not. It's a 'neither here nor there' situation where you will think you know what you want, but you don't. And the worst part is, you don't listen to anyone, especially your parents, weirdly so because they brought you into this world, raised you, were with you since you took your first step and fed you, yet you think they make the most wrong decisions for you. And now that I'm writing that down, it sucks to admit what an idiot I was. =)

I want to tell you that parents are always right. But I'd be lying because they aren't always are. And I'm putting my authority on the line here because you'd probably decide to cut yourself off myself and your Papa the moment you're reading this. But the truth is, Micah, as much as parents think they know what's best for you, we don't. At least not always. There are moments when they're sure, but there will also be moments when they make decisions for you out of fear you will fail, more than out of being convinced those decisions are right.

It will never be easy... For both of us. I can only hope that your Papa and I will raise you right for you to know what to do, and for us to know when to tell you what to do and when to let you go ahead with your own mind...

I guess, we can only love you enough to trust you with your guts, and pick you up whenever you screw up...

Love,
Your mother =)

Happy 2nd Birthday, Buddy!

Two years ago, today, I officially became a mother when you were 'detached' from my womb after nine months you were created. There's a sense of pride, honor, joy, and just pure soft emotions that surround me whenever I think about that, and how you've grown to be so big now. Look at you... All the hair, the teeth, the smile.. Look at how tall you are now... It's getting harder to carry you around; your legs are so long now!

And not forgetting how smart you're becoming every single day... Mommy can actually understand what you're saying now. Ha ha.. You're even able to form three-word sentences like, "Say sorry to Mommy." Oh wait, that's four! You recognize everyone and could guess everyone's clothes.

You can even sing to We Will Rock You and That's What You Get. And hold a guitar as if you know how to play it while tapping your feet to The Lazy Song. You look so grown up when you do that... And I'm so proud of you...

As much as Mommy want to hold you always and forever, growing up and letting go is inevitable... You'll be a teenager someday and all the hugs, kisses would probably stop. But I hope you will always, ALWAYS know that your mother loves you with all her heart and soul. There will be times when that is hard to believe; I'd be restricting your going-outs or tell you which friends you should or should not see. I would probably tell you a lot of no's and don'ts. And you would probably hate me for a lot of things. Mommy, now 26, still hates your grandma for some things. Ha ha... But please always go back to where things were and remember that above all, I have your best interest at heart and want everything in the world to be right for you. Though I know that's impossible, I'd die trying.

There are a lot of things I wanna tell you, buddy; things that I'm worried I'd not have the chance to tell you about life. But Mommy's at work and I think my boss can see me tearing up in front of the computer. But I'll find time for that.

Till then, hugs, kisses, and all the love in the world from your mother. And hey, your Papa is coming home today! Isn't that great? We'll post pictures of your birthday soon after, aight?

Love,
Your mother

Happy First Birthday, Son...

Dear Son...

=') *speechless for a moment, only tears and smiles*

Today, you turn one year old... I'm smiling because it should be a happy occasion.. Because I'm proud of you, of how far you've come, of how much you've achieved; all those baby steps growing steady by the day, all those babbling becoming clearer everyday... You're achieving milestones one after another, fast... And as a mother, I should be proud of that... =)

But I'm also crying, because in a way, it makes me sad that you're growing to be your own person every single day... Soon enough, you're not gonna need me like you do now... You'll go out and explore the world on your own.. The part that I fear the most is, every single day you grow up to be an adult, the less time I have left to hold you and shower you with hugs and kisses... Because you'll start hating them once you've turned 12 or even earlier just because it's uncool... Ha ha..

As much as it tires me to carry yo around and having you tugged on the ends of my pants everyday, I rejoice in the fact that you need me... It feels great to be your mother, Micah... In every single way, physically and emotionally, and even spiritually... You make me feel like life is worth living, but more importantly, you make me feel like I'm worth something, in fact, I feel like I'm worth everything to you... And that feels great... And I don't ever want that to go away... But fact is, it would fade, if not change or completely disappear, in the years to come...

Oh, look at me... Crying and whining about your leaving me to be an adult. You're only ONE YEAR OLD for goodness' sake. Ha ha..

This is only the first of your many birthdays to come, Micah.. And as the birthdays go by, they will become less and less important to you and probably everybody else... But not for Mommy... This day will always be important to me... Coz you see , it's not just your birthday... It's THE DAY that I first became a MOM... A Mother... The greatest title anyone could ever be given... It's the day that I became a brand new person, a much better person... It's the day that my whole perspective on life changed... It's the day that my life changed, to a tougher yet more wonderful journey onwards... It's the day that I HAD YOU... You make me want to live.. You make me want to do better.. You make me want to be better...

So let's both give a toast to this day... The day when God gave us to each other... Happy Birthday Micah... and Happy Motherhood to Mommy... Cheers...

Love,
Your mother...

*still sobbing* LOL...

Running Out of Comfort Words

It's been 6 days and 3 hours since I last saw you.. Not if videos and photos of you count. But I just want so bad to hold you again... And I wish I can stop crying everytime I think of you, and how much I want you back... Your Daddy is running out of comfort-words. Ha ha.

Your grandmother told me that you no longer look for me, as in you don't wake up crying looking for me, but look for her instead. It's good because that means you can sleep well now, but God it scares me that you'll ever forget me. I know you won't. It's just that sometimes I selfishly wish that you would want ME all the time.

I wish I can tell you that I'm fine, like I promised. But I'm a mess. One moment I'm laughing with you daddy and our friends, and another I'm on our bed hugging your pillow, crying. Sometimes I think I'm going nuts.

But Mommy am fine, baby... Yes, I cry. Helplessly at times... But after every session of a good cry, I wipe my tears away and smile thinking about how happy you are in KK, and how great everyone there is taking care of you... In the end, Mommy am fine, sayang... But Mommy will feel so much better when we finally meet again. Which will be soon enough. In the meantime, know that I miss you like crazy, and that I love you, Micah Dangin Chua. I love you...

Love,

Your mother...

Without You

When your grandparents, Mama Tua and Papa Tua, and Mama Sam sent me to the airport on the day that I left for Bintulu without you for the first time, Mommy asked them to leave before I had to enter the departing hall. Because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the grief having have to watch you as I leave. So instead, I had you leave with them ahead. And indeed, tears started forming and my voice started shaking as I hugged you and told you I'll be back...

I took one last look and you were smiling, oblivious to the fact that your mother was facing one of the most difficult moments in her life. It's only temporary, a month. But it feels like letting you go forever...

As I made my way through the security, through the immigration, I tried very, very hard to choke back whatever expression that my body was going to show of my inner emotions. By the time the plane took off, as the light in the flight was dimmed, I let it out... without anyone noticing it..

But it was especially hard when I got to our room in Bintulu... after I washed up and prep myself for bed... And there were your pillows... I held them tight and as hard as I tried not to cry out loud, I fell apart, broke down like a child.. Your father came and hugged me.. And that night, I cried myself to sleep.

It's been like that almost daily. I cry in the morning, when you're not there to wake me and Daddy up. I cry at mealtimes, when you're not there to dine with me. I cry during baths, coz we always bathe together. I cry while driving to work, coz I simply think of you. But mostly, I cry at night, coz you're not there for me to hold, cherish, smell, caress, and just adore...

We go out, your Daddy and I, and we try to make the most out of our time, everyday. But somewhere in between and especially as day-end, if not every second, we think of you, and it's hard not to feel sad...

"It's only a month..." And I shall keep counting the days, sayang...

I love you, Micah.. Always and forever..

I'll Be Fine. I Promise.

Hey there, son...

The last time you and I went back to our home in KK, your grandmother brought up the idea of letting you stay with her for at most a month. I gave it a thought, giving that

I was starting work in Bintulu in a few days time, and your grandmother and Aunt Sam were too sad to let you go too soon. But I bailed out at the last minute. Your father actually had to delay booking our flight back to Bintulu because I was torn in between letting my mother have you for another month and having you stick with me. You came home with me eventually.

Since then, your grandmother had been bringing up requests to have us back there, non-stop. It's not that easy to just go back anymore because I've started work. It's been three months, and we're finally going back to KK again. I would have been super-psyched about it, if only it's a longer than three days trip... and if only you're coming back with me this time...

Mommy agree to let you stay this time, because I had to quit feeling guilty of not giving your

grandmother and aunt a chance to be with you a little more than a week... They longed for that since the day you were born. You had no idea how much they both cried when we left KK for good... That broke my heart... To see my mother cry like that, seeing her daughter move further away from her again, with her grandson.

Our trip back is tomorrow. But I'm already crying like the love of my life had just broke my heart. I cannot imagine being without you for that long... I know it's only a month, but I miss you so much even after five hours of leaving you at the nursery... Mommy just really, really, terribly miss you already...

You're 8 months old now. The Baby Book said in many of your recent developments, you're also

going through separation anxiety. To prove that, you cry out freaking loud whenever you see me walk away from you. The Book said you hate being away from your mother and that whenever I disappear, you could only cry to express your fear and hope for me to come back. And by now you probably already know that I always come back... But what happens when I leave you with grandma, and walk away, and not come back for what seem to be a very long time? How would that make you feel? *tears*

I worry less about leaving you with your grandmother. I'm sure you're in much better hands with her than when you're with me. Grandma will love you, cherish you, and shower you with care and good values... She's a great mother. Aunt Sam will be thrilled to have you around. She had always liked you and gets pretty pissed at me when I brought you back with me, because she really wanted you to stay there with her. Uncle Elon loves you just as much. He used to drive you around back in KK when you got upset. And he kissed and hugged you every morning when you woke up, and every time he came back from work. Grandpa? Let's just say I see the man that I wish is whenever he's with us, when he's with you... You're a diamond, Micah... *smiles*

Mommy's more worried about myself... What would I do without you, sayang? My daily life will totally alter. I wouldn't know what to do. I can go out, and try to relax more, have fun more, but at the end of the day, I know that all I want is to hold you in my arms, and smell you, and pinch your cheek and legs and hands softly, and watch you sleep..... *tears*

And who would be there for me and make me laugh again when I'm feeling down? Because you are my everything now, baby... Being without you is going to me feel... empty...

"It's ONLY a month, Amy.." is my mantra these past couple of days. Or, "He'll be fine." I keep repeating them whenever I find myself seeping into terror of letting you go. You'll be fine. In fact, you'll be in better hands.

And sayang, Mommy will be fine too... I'll be crying at night, but I'll be fine. =) I promise.

I love you. Always and forever.

Love,

Your mother.