Without You

When your grandparents, Mama Tua and Papa Tua, and Mama Sam sent me to the airport on the day that I left for Bintulu without you for the first time, Mommy asked them to leave before I had to enter the departing hall. Because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the grief having have to watch you as I leave. So instead, I had you leave with them ahead. And indeed, tears started forming and my voice started shaking as I hugged you and told you I'll be back...

I took one last look and you were smiling, oblivious to the fact that your mother was facing one of the most difficult moments in her life. It's only temporary, a month. But it feels like letting you go forever...

As I made my way through the security, through the immigration, I tried very, very hard to choke back whatever expression that my body was going to show of my inner emotions. By the time the plane took off, as the light in the flight was dimmed, I let it out... without anyone noticing it..

But it was especially hard when I got to our room in Bintulu... after I washed up and prep myself for bed... And there were your pillows... I held them tight and as hard as I tried not to cry out loud, I fell apart, broke down like a child.. Your father came and hugged me.. And that night, I cried myself to sleep.

It's been like that almost daily. I cry in the morning, when you're not there to wake me and Daddy up. I cry at mealtimes, when you're not there to dine with me. I cry during baths, coz we always bathe together. I cry while driving to work, coz I simply think of you. But mostly, I cry at night, coz you're not there for me to hold, cherish, smell, caress, and just adore...

We go out, your Daddy and I, and we try to make the most out of our time, everyday. But somewhere in between and especially as day-end, if not every second, we think of you, and it's hard not to feel sad...

"It's only a month..." And I shall keep counting the days, sayang...

I love you, Micah.. Always and forever..

I'll Be Fine. I Promise.

Hey there, son...

The last time you and I went back to our home in KK, your grandmother brought up the idea of letting you stay with her for at most a month. I gave it a thought, giving that

I was starting work in Bintulu in a few days time, and your grandmother and Aunt Sam were too sad to let you go too soon. But I bailed out at the last minute. Your father actually had to delay booking our flight back to Bintulu because I was torn in between letting my mother have you for another month and having you stick with me. You came home with me eventually.

Since then, your grandmother had been bringing up requests to have us back there, non-stop. It's not that easy to just go back anymore because I've started work. It's been three months, and we're finally going back to KK again. I would have been super-psyched about it, if only it's a longer than three days trip... and if only you're coming back with me this time...

Mommy agree to let you stay this time, because I had to quit feeling guilty of not giving your

grandmother and aunt a chance to be with you a little more than a week... They longed for that since the day you were born. You had no idea how much they both cried when we left KK for good... That broke my heart... To see my mother cry like that, seeing her daughter move further away from her again, with her grandson.

Our trip back is tomorrow. But I'm already crying like the love of my life had just broke my heart. I cannot imagine being without you for that long... I know it's only a month, but I miss you so much even after five hours of leaving you at the nursery... Mommy just really, really, terribly miss you already...

You're 8 months old now. The Baby Book said in many of your recent developments, you're also

going through separation anxiety. To prove that, you cry out freaking loud whenever you see me walk away from you. The Book said you hate being away from your mother and that whenever I disappear, you could only cry to express your fear and hope for me to come back. And by now you probably already know that I always come back... But what happens when I leave you with grandma, and walk away, and not come back for what seem to be a very long time? How would that make you feel? *tears*

I worry less about leaving you with your grandmother. I'm sure you're in much better hands with her than when you're with me. Grandma will love you, cherish you, and shower you with care and good values... She's a great mother. Aunt Sam will be thrilled to have you around. She had always liked you and gets pretty pissed at me when I brought you back with me, because she really wanted you to stay there with her. Uncle Elon loves you just as much. He used to drive you around back in KK when you got upset. And he kissed and hugged you every morning when you woke up, and every time he came back from work. Grandpa? Let's just say I see the man that I wish is whenever he's with us, when he's with you... You're a diamond, Micah... *smiles*

Mommy's more worried about myself... What would I do without you, sayang? My daily life will totally alter. I wouldn't know what to do. I can go out, and try to relax more, have fun more, but at the end of the day, I know that all I want is to hold you in my arms, and smell you, and pinch your cheek and legs and hands softly, and watch you sleep..... *tears*

And who would be there for me and make me laugh again when I'm feeling down? Because you are my everything now, baby... Being without you is going to me feel... empty...

"It's ONLY a month, Amy.." is my mantra these past couple of days. Or, "He'll be fine." I keep repeating them whenever I find myself seeping into terror of letting you go. You'll be fine. In fact, you'll be in better hands.

And sayang, Mommy will be fine too... I'll be crying at night, but I'll be fine. =) I promise.

I love you. Always and forever.

Love,

Your mother.

Gift from Aunt Courtney

Hey Son,
Here's something from your Aunt Courtney. =)

p/s: Every single word Barry Manilow sung in this song says exactly what Mommy feels about you. Thank u Ah Hui (Aunt Courtney's Chinese name. Shh! Don't membocorkan it =D)
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=4223260&id=558796794#!/video/video.php?v=10150197599150643

Always Be My Baby

Hey there baby...

Mommy's working from home today. The computer at my office seriously needs fixing... You've at the nursery. I feel very tempted to go there and 'kacau' you but it's okay... In the latest update of your development, you're growing more and more fond of your mother and you throw fits if I as much as put you down. Yes Micah... You love me too much I can't even go and pee without you crying for being asked to stay put for two minutes. Ha ha..

Speaking of development, I've signed up with this website called Babycenter, since I knew I got pregnant with you and they send me updates about my baby, which is YOU, every week without fail. And I always, always got excited whenever I see in my mail inbox that I got an email from Babycenter that read, "My Pregnancy This Week" or "My Baby This Week - Your 2 Weeks Old," and so on... I anticipate these emails because I love reading about your development and it helps me a lot in dealing with it... I'd open my inbox and hope to get email from Babycenter... until recently...

I remember it was an email that said, "My Baby This Week - Your 7 Months Old" and I opened it, read it happily, until I realize how these development updates show me your growth every week... This sounds stupid but I didn't realize that in your development, it also means that you're growing up, and learning how to be independent every single day.. And someday, you'll be able to walk, run, without my help... You won't need me as much as you do now... And in some crazy, senseless way, that makes me cry...

This is crazy and stupid, coz Mommy complaints about having have to carry you around as your weight increases each week, making it easier for me to feel the pain in my back everytime I carry you. BUT, now that I realize you're going to grow out of my arms and be on your own without my assistance, it hurts me... Someday you'll be a big boy, be a MAN with life of your own, and to think that I'll no longer be able to hug or kiss like I could now, just hurts...

But it won't be right to wish that you'll always be dependent on Mommy... As much as it hurts to think that you'll 'leave' my arms soon, I take pride in the fact that in your attempts to stand up straight with my help, you'll someday walk and run freely without Mommy holding your hands... In your attempts to get my attention to pick you up and carry you in my arms, you'll someday everything without my help... You'll be your own person, and I'll take pride in that...

You'll always be my baby, tho... =)



Love,
Your mother...

Greatness in Simplicity

Dear Micah,

I was driving you to the nursery this morning, and singing to you our daily dose of "Angel Of God". I didn't set up your baby carseat today because you can somehow sit in the car now without moving too much. As I started to sing, you looked up and smiled, like you understand the song, like you understand what I meant for you by singing it to you, which is to wish you all the protection, guardiance and love God could give you... And I just started to cry...

It was just such a moment where you don't need reasons to cherish.. I still don't know why I cried... It was probably because I realize you're now big enough to understand a mother's prayers. Maybe not fully. But it's like you understand what a mother means when she sings to you... Or maybe you just like listening to your mother's singing... I don't know... But when you looked at Mommy like that and just smiled, Mommy never felt sadder, happier, liberated, accompanied, and so much more mixed together...

In all that simplicity, I've never felt greater... You truly make me feel like my life is worth living, Micah... You truly make me feel like I've achieved something bigger than life itself, which is love...

In case Mommy forgot to tell you today, I love you  Son... I'd do anything to protect you... You can bet on that... =')

Journalist Momma!

Hey there Lil Guy...

It;s been quite a while since the last letter, ey? Sorry sayang.. Mommy had been occupied trying to get a job. And that had been successful. Micah, make a way for your Journalist Momma! *Clap clap*

Honestly, I hate having have to go to work coz that means I have to leave you in the hands of caretakers, and in this case, the nursery. But at the same time, I could also die of unemployment. Besides, we could use the extra money, sayang. So as much as I hate leaving you and not seeing you 8 hours a day, being employed is important for all of us.

Although, I must say, I have my worries regarding your safety, well-being, and milestones... I mean, it would kill me if you said your first word or took your fist step in the arms of other people and worse when I won't be there to see it.  =( I want to be there for you all the time and for everything pertaining to you. But for now I can only cross my fingers that I would miraculously be there at each milestone you reach.

Journalism... Mommy was a journalist before, right after completing secondary education and before going to university. It was brief but I already knew back then that I love the job. Everything from its perks, it's day-to-day calling, the nature of it, the people I worked with. So, I'm glad I get to land another one (job) just like that.

But Mommy must tell you, it's not going to be easy, for both of us. There will come a time when Mommy will be too busy that it'll affect my attention towards you. There will be times when you'll be too cranky and Mommy will be too tired an we'll both be at the ends of our hairs. So sayang, for times like these, Mommy want to apologize in advance. Sorry Sonshine, for times when Mommy might lose it and let it out on you. I need you to know that it's not intentional and that it's not you, k? It's just Mommy going loco. =D

So, may Mommy enjoy Mommy's work more than get stressed about it, and may you enjoy your times at the nursery with your new-found friends, and fun lessons. Oh, by the way, your new skill that you learned at the nursery, giving Hi-5 is awesome! 

And another thing, just because you've started going to the nursery and spend more waking time there with your teachers than with Mommy, it doesn't mean that Mommy love you less, okies?

Love you always, regardless,
Your mother.

Sick

Baby,

Mommy is very, very tired... You had been down with fever and vomiting for a week now. That's why Mommy and Daddy hadn't been getting enough sleep because all three of us keep waking up the minute you wriggled in our arms... 

No Sayang, it's not your fault... You must be in pain; all the heat in your body, forcing you throw up every 15 minutes... Not to mention, the mucus and phlegm collating in your lungs and your nose.. *sob sob* I hate it when I con't know what to do to make you feel better.. There was a point where I was carrying you in my arms while you cry softly in pain, and all my rocking and singing just didn't help, I got so frustrated with myself I put you on the bed and I cried out, "What do I do?"

It's frustrating... As a parent, I just want you to be comfortable and happy all the time... But I guess, it's times like these that make me stronger, coz it forces me to be patient, a skill that I've been praying for but never got... Still don't have it, but for your sake, I must learn. 

You're getting better by now... No more heat, and no more vomiting, at least for today. Mommy pray for a better tomorrow =).

Sleep now, Sayang... 

Love, 

Your Mother...