These are words I dedicate not only to my sons, whom I hope would someday read this and understand the depths of my heart and mind, but also to myself, as a place of solitude, and to all mothers, whom I hope to share this confusing yet wonderful title with...
Friday, June 25, 2010
But I Will Love You
My heart still skips a beat every single time I think about how you were created in my womb... how you were slowly but surely you developed from an embryo to a fetus week by week... Throughout the whole duration of conception to birth, I marveled at the thought of you gradually grow your cells, veins, heart, lungs, brain, hands, feet, the dimples on them, nails, teeth, hairs... Every visit to the doctor, I cried because no matter how many times I get to see you on that scanning machine screen, it still feels unbelievably magical, every time.
I knew having you would change my life forever... I knew that priorities will shift, times would be occupied, tension will rise, headaches will occur, my body will be rest and sleep deprived, worries will be a constant companion, and so will tears... They were all written in the books I read. But no one told me about constant marvel, pride, and everlasting and unconditional love... I've never loved anyone or anything, not even myself, as much as this... Sometimes I feel like the word 'love' itself is not enough to describe what I feel for you, Sonshine... Every time I think of how much I love you and how bad I want everything in the world to be right for you, it makes me cry, because truly, my heart can't contain them..
Times will change. You will grow up, old and wiser. We will argue, we will fight. You will hate me or not. I will be angry at you at times. Your attentions will shift. You will learn to love others. You will want others and not just me. Things will change. You will not need me. You will want other things. We will grow apart. We will not understand each other. You will leave me out. I will grow old and wither. You will love me differently.
But I will love you, forever and a day...
Love,
Your mother.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Running Out of Comfort Words
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Without You
I took one last look and you were smiling, oblivious to the fact that your mother was facing one of the most difficult moments in her life. It's only temporary, a month. But it feels like letting you go forever...
As I made my way through the security, through the immigration, I tried very, very hard to choke back whatever expression that my body was going to show of my inner emotions. By the time the plane took off, as the light in the flight was dimmed, I let it out... without anyone noticing it..
But it was especially hard when I got to our room in Bintulu... after I washed up and prep myself for bed... And there were your pillows... I held them tight and as hard as I tried not to cry out loud, I fell apart, broke down like a child.. Your father came and hugged me.. And that night, I cried myself to sleep.
It's been like that almost daily. I cry in the morning, when you're not there to wake me and Daddy up. I cry at mealtimes, when you're not there to dine with me. I cry during baths, coz we always bathe together. I cry while driving to work, coz I simply think of you. But mostly, I cry at night, coz you're not there for me to hold, cherish, smell, caress, and just adore...
We go out, your Daddy and I, and we try to make the most out of our time, everyday. But somewhere in between and especially as day-end, if not every second, we think of you, and it's hard not to feel sad...
"It's only a month..." And I shall keep counting the days, sayang...
I love you, Micah.. Always and forever..